Having five kids is a lot of work. In a typical week, I work part-time, do ten or more loads of laundry, and go to the grocery store four or five times. I stay on top of four sets of schoolwork, play, cuddle and read with my kids, intervene when needed in fights (see post on Conflict Resolution for Kids), cook, clean and sometimes manage to snatch a few moments alone with my husband, who travels often for work. People who meet me for the first time and find out that I have so many children often ask, “How do you do it?”, or sometimes just say, “God bless!” and shake their heads in wonder. Some imply that I am crazy, and one total stranger suggested that I get cable TV installed in my bedroom.
How do I do it? Part of the answer lies in teaching my kids to be (relatively) self-sufficient. As soon as it is developmentally appropriate, I start to teach and encourage the kids to do as much for themselves as possible.
It all begins with the diaper. Once kids discover that by pulling the tabs on the disposable diaper, it comes off, they love to do it. (Of course, if they’re still pooping in the diaper, you want to avoid this as much as possible by dressing them in overalls or other cumbersome clothing.) When your little one reaches this stage, you can praise her for doing it all by herself, or thank her for helping you. Then give her a wipe and let her do the next step herself too, after which you can take over.
The next logical step is getting dressed. Be prepared for some pretty hilarious outfit combinations (tights with bathing suits, feather boas with shorts, all kinds of crazy color and pattern combos). Sometimes they will get it wrong, putting clothes on backwards or inside out, putting shoes on the wrong feet or mismatched shoes, but that can all be corrected (or ignored, as you see fit). If you are going somewhere that it important that the child looks nice such as a wedding or a sitting for a photographer, you can limit the amount of choice available (“Would you prefer this outfit or this one?” “Skirt or dress?” “Blue or red?”).
Kids get a sense of accomplishment by doing things themselves, even if it’s not done perfectly, and you as a parent can notice, praise and celebrate their growing independence. As your child grows, entrust him with making progressively more important choices and assuming more responsibility. For example, a middle school child can be responsible for putting completed homework in his backpack, making sure he is on time for school, and cleaning his own room.
The next level of teaching self-sufficiency is giving children responsibility for caring for others. This works really well when you have multiple children, since it is a natural fit for an older child to help with a younger one. In my family, at the point that each child was consistently able to buckle his or her own seatbelt, that child also was given the job of buckling the baby into her car seat. I have had my older kids help with the younger ones by reading to them, putting them to bed, carrying them to bed, getting them a snack, getting them dressed, helping them brush their teeth and even cooking for the entire family (with supervision). This participation in the hard work of running the household and childcare helps lighten the load for the ever-busy mom. Combined with a chore schedule, it might even give you time to relax for 5 minutes or even take a shower.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Conflict Resolution for Kids
The thing I like least about being a mom is when my kids fight. As you can imagine, with five very different personalities each roughly two years apart, getting along can sometimes be a challenge. Sometimes the fighting is relatively benign, like when they are struggling for territory (the territory being sitting on my lap), and other (thankfully, less frequent) times, it can get nasty and violent.
I believe that kids should be given the tools and support to solve problems, and one of those problems is how to get along with their siblings. Here are some of the tools and strategies I teach my kids about how to live in peace with each other.
1. Know who you are dealing with in any given situation. For example, my daughter Mia is very bright and capable, but is easily frustrated and shy. So if her brother and sisters know that about her, they won’t get upset when she doesn’t want to try new things, especially in public. My daughter Miriam is outgoing and social, but is also insecure. Her siblings need to express criticism of her in softer terms so she won’t feel unloved and go into an emotional tailspin.
2. You are together in this family to learn to love one another. Kabbalah teaches that at conception, each soul chooses the family to be born into based on what lessons it still needs to learn. The people closest to you are people you have had conflicts with in past lives, and you are in a family with them now to work out your difficulties. In my family, my two oldest kids are the ones who fight the most. My son, Danny tends to be assertive and insensitive to the needs of others. My oldest daughter, Mia, is shy and overly sensitive. Clearly, each needs to learn from the other.
3. You are responsible for your own behavior. No one can be blamed for “making you” act a certain way. One of my rules is that kids are not allowed to hurt each other for any reason, including if the other person hurt you first. Each thing you do or say is a choice. Focus on making the right choice.
4. It’s just not worth it. Everything that kids fight about is meaningless compared to the love and lifelong bond between them as siblings.
5. Learn to negotiate. Sometimes you can get exactly what you want and keep the other person happy by negotiating. My son is the master negotiator among the children. He will frequently offer his sisters something they value to defuse a conflict. Usually it’s candy, but sometimes he offers something of his like a t-shirt he’s outgrown or a piggyback ride.
As with every lesson we teach our children, these require seemingly endless repetition. However, if you hang in there, keep your cool and continually repeat the lessons, your kids will learn to get along, not only with each other, but with others as well.
I believe that kids should be given the tools and support to solve problems, and one of those problems is how to get along with their siblings. Here are some of the tools and strategies I teach my kids about how to live in peace with each other.
1. Know who you are dealing with in any given situation. For example, my daughter Mia is very bright and capable, but is easily frustrated and shy. So if her brother and sisters know that about her, they won’t get upset when she doesn’t want to try new things, especially in public. My daughter Miriam is outgoing and social, but is also insecure. Her siblings need to express criticism of her in softer terms so she won’t feel unloved and go into an emotional tailspin.
2. You are together in this family to learn to love one another. Kabbalah teaches that at conception, each soul chooses the family to be born into based on what lessons it still needs to learn. The people closest to you are people you have had conflicts with in past lives, and you are in a family with them now to work out your difficulties. In my family, my two oldest kids are the ones who fight the most. My son, Danny tends to be assertive and insensitive to the needs of others. My oldest daughter, Mia, is shy and overly sensitive. Clearly, each needs to learn from the other.
3. You are responsible for your own behavior. No one can be blamed for “making you” act a certain way. One of my rules is that kids are not allowed to hurt each other for any reason, including if the other person hurt you first. Each thing you do or say is a choice. Focus on making the right choice.
4. It’s just not worth it. Everything that kids fight about is meaningless compared to the love and lifelong bond between them as siblings.
5. Learn to negotiate. Sometimes you can get exactly what you want and keep the other person happy by negotiating. My son is the master negotiator among the children. He will frequently offer his sisters something they value to defuse a conflict. Usually it’s candy, but sometimes he offers something of his like a t-shirt he’s outgrown or a piggyback ride.
As with every lesson we teach our children, these require seemingly endless repetition. However, if you hang in there, keep your cool and continually repeat the lessons, your kids will learn to get along, not only with each other, but with others as well.
How to Get Your Kids to Behave – The Second Secret
In a previous post, I discussed the first secret of getting your children to behave: don’t get emotionally involved. Now, we are going to talk about the second secret of getting your kids to behave.
The second secret is: Teach your children about cause and effect.
It is a law of the universe that there is no effect without a cause. Kabbalah teaches that everything that happens to you, whether positive or negative, is an effect of something you did before. Sometimes it is something you did in a previous life, but even so, what happens to you is a result of something that you caused at some point. There are two aspects of this universal law.
1. You must take responsibility for your actions. You can’t point your finger at anyone else or any external situation or circumstance for your troubles. Ultimately, you need to accept that you are the one who is to blame.
2. Accepting responsibility is incredibly freeing. Once you realize that you are the cause of the things that happen to you, you have the power to act in a way that assures that you will experience good things in the future.
The law of cause and effect applies to everyone, regardless of age. Here are some examples from the adult world:
You need to teach this law of cause and effect to your children. This is good for your children in several ways.
First of all, shows them that there is a direct link between their behavior and either enjoyable or unpleasant outcomes. If they behave in a way that is calm, rational, sharing, nice, responsible, etc. then the consequence is that they get a hug from you, praise, a treat, to stay up later than normal, a toy, etc.. On the other hand, if they act in a way that is mean, selfish, violent, irresponsible, or lazy, then the effect is that they get a time out, lose out on getting something they want, have to do additional chores, have privileges taken away, etc..
Secondly, it teaches them responsibility. Even toddlers can grasp this concept in a rudimentary way. If they did not get what they wanted, it is because of something they did, not because Mom or Dad is “punishing” them. If they want something, they now know that they need to behave in a certain way to earn it. This approach also takes the power struggle out of the picture. Children grow to understand that they don’t experience negative consequences because their parents are in a position of power. They become the makers (on a small scale) of their own destiny.
Lastly, it provides an incentive for kids to think about the possible consequences of their behavior before they do it. This heads off many types of bad behavior before they occur. A good idea, especially for younger children, is to set the consequence before a possibly difficult situation. For example, if I am taking my kids to the grocery store, I might say, “The rule is no running or whining, and you need to stay with me. Children who behave will get a treat in the checkout line.” Setting expectations gives kids a goal to shoot for and clearly outlines what is expected. I also find it useful to make sure that the kids heard and understand the rules by asking them if they understand and then asking them to repeat the rules back to me. That way, there are no excuses of “I didn’t hear you” or “I didn’t know.”
That concludes the second secret of getting your kids to behave. Stay tuned for the third and final secret, coming soon!
The second secret is: Teach your children about cause and effect.
It is a law of the universe that there is no effect without a cause. Kabbalah teaches that everything that happens to you, whether positive or negative, is an effect of something you did before. Sometimes it is something you did in a previous life, but even so, what happens to you is a result of something that you caused at some point. There are two aspects of this universal law.
1. You must take responsibility for your actions. You can’t point your finger at anyone else or any external situation or circumstance for your troubles. Ultimately, you need to accept that you are the one who is to blame.
2. Accepting responsibility is incredibly freeing. Once you realize that you are the cause of the things that happen to you, you have the power to act in a way that assures that you will experience good things in the future.
The law of cause and effect applies to everyone, regardless of age. Here are some examples from the adult world:
| Cause | Effect |
| If you have a job but you are lazy and don’t do your work | Then you will get fired |
| If you break a law | Then you will be arrested |
| If you badmouth your friend | Then you will lose your friendship |
| If you cheat on your spouse | Then your marriage will suffer and may end |
You need to teach this law of cause and effect to your children. This is good for your children in several ways.
First of all, shows them that there is a direct link between their behavior and either enjoyable or unpleasant outcomes. If they behave in a way that is calm, rational, sharing, nice, responsible, etc. then the consequence is that they get a hug from you, praise, a treat, to stay up later than normal, a toy, etc.. On the other hand, if they act in a way that is mean, selfish, violent, irresponsible, or lazy, then the effect is that they get a time out, lose out on getting something they want, have to do additional chores, have privileges taken away, etc..
Secondly, it teaches them responsibility. Even toddlers can grasp this concept in a rudimentary way. If they did not get what they wanted, it is because of something they did, not because Mom or Dad is “punishing” them. If they want something, they now know that they need to behave in a certain way to earn it. This approach also takes the power struggle out of the picture. Children grow to understand that they don’t experience negative consequences because their parents are in a position of power. They become the makers (on a small scale) of their own destiny.
Lastly, it provides an incentive for kids to think about the possible consequences of their behavior before they do it. This heads off many types of bad behavior before they occur. A good idea, especially for younger children, is to set the consequence before a possibly difficult situation. For example, if I am taking my kids to the grocery store, I might say, “The rule is no running or whining, and you need to stay with me. Children who behave will get a treat in the checkout line.” Setting expectations gives kids a goal to shoot for and clearly outlines what is expected. I also find it useful to make sure that the kids heard and understand the rules by asking them if they understand and then asking them to repeat the rules back to me. That way, there are no excuses of “I didn’t hear you” or “I didn’t know.”
That concludes the second secret of getting your kids to behave. Stay tuned for the third and final secret, coming soon!
Are You a Helicopter Parent?
I live in Boca Raton, Florida, where the lawns are manicured and the sunlight glimmers off all the recently manicured fingernails. Our city is a caricature of the easy life. Most people here live comfortably, and many live is posh luxury. Parents are educated and sophisticated. Many mothers, and some fathers do not have to work. My children’s elementary school PTA has 100% membership. One year, I forgot to sign up for the PTA during the open house, and I was hunted down and harassed like the mafia hounds someone who welches on a gambling debt.
Last year, my daughter Mia became friendly with a girl in her class. She played with her at recess, but wanted to see her after school too. I talked to her mother to set up a playdate, but the other girl’s mom was unable to schedule a time for the girls to get together because her daughter didn’t have any unscheduled time. She had so many extracurricular activities, that she had no time left over to play with friends.
Another time, Mia went over to a different friend’s house to play. From the moment she got there, the mother had everything planned. She sat with the girls and did a series of crafts with them, interrupted only by a carefully prepared lunch. The girls were with the mother the whole time, as they were directed from one activity to another.
In some article I read somewhere, I heard this sort of parental behavior referred to as “helicopter parenting” because the parent (usually the mom, but sometime joined by the dad) is always hovering nearby, ready to jump in to resolve a problem, plan a source of entertainment, or whisk the child to yet another lesson or activity.
Maybe it is because I have five kids, or because I work from home and am constantly interrupted by my kids once they get home from school, but I don’t subscribe to the helicopter mentality. I am constantly saying things to my kids like, “I’m not your social director. Go find something to do,” or “You’re a kid. Go play. That’s what kids do,” or my all time favorite, “If you’re bored, I can find plenty of chores you can do.” That last one always results in their hightailing it out of range of my voice and usually ends up with their having lots of fun and leaving me in peace for a while.
“I’m bored” is one of the things that my kids say that drive me absolutely crazy (along with anything said in a whiny voice). I think this desire to be constantly amused stems from our technology-driven youth culture, where kids have mindless TV programming broadcast 24/7 and expect instant replies to their questions, comments and concerns via email, text and Twitter. But regardless of the cause, it is something that we have to deal with as parents.
How are children ever to learn to problem solve and use their imaginations if their parents do everything for them? Kids need to be responsible for amusing themselves because, let’s face it – they don’t have that much choice in most other areas. (I am talking here about younger kids, preteen and below, not teenagers who have much more of a choice about amusements and often choose poorly.)
Another area that is a good one for kids to start taking responsibility in is problem solving and conflict resolution. This is a little trickier and I think deserves its own post, so look for that one coming up soon.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not advocating a free-for-all or parental neglect as a strategy. Of course, children need care, routine and structure to help them order their lives and create healthy boundaries to their behavior. But let’s be aware of when we’ve crossed the line between structured and smothered.
Last year, my daughter Mia became friendly with a girl in her class. She played with her at recess, but wanted to see her after school too. I talked to her mother to set up a playdate, but the other girl’s mom was unable to schedule a time for the girls to get together because her daughter didn’t have any unscheduled time. She had so many extracurricular activities, that she had no time left over to play with friends.
Another time, Mia went over to a different friend’s house to play. From the moment she got there, the mother had everything planned. She sat with the girls and did a series of crafts with them, interrupted only by a carefully prepared lunch. The girls were with the mother the whole time, as they were directed from one activity to another.
In some article I read somewhere, I heard this sort of parental behavior referred to as “helicopter parenting” because the parent (usually the mom, but sometime joined by the dad) is always hovering nearby, ready to jump in to resolve a problem, plan a source of entertainment, or whisk the child to yet another lesson or activity.
Maybe it is because I have five kids, or because I work from home and am constantly interrupted by my kids once they get home from school, but I don’t subscribe to the helicopter mentality. I am constantly saying things to my kids like, “I’m not your social director. Go find something to do,” or “You’re a kid. Go play. That’s what kids do,” or my all time favorite, “If you’re bored, I can find plenty of chores you can do.” That last one always results in their hightailing it out of range of my voice and usually ends up with their having lots of fun and leaving me in peace for a while.
“I’m bored” is one of the things that my kids say that drive me absolutely crazy (along with anything said in a whiny voice). I think this desire to be constantly amused stems from our technology-driven youth culture, where kids have mindless TV programming broadcast 24/7 and expect instant replies to their questions, comments and concerns via email, text and Twitter. But regardless of the cause, it is something that we have to deal with as parents.
How are children ever to learn to problem solve and use their imaginations if their parents do everything for them? Kids need to be responsible for amusing themselves because, let’s face it – they don’t have that much choice in most other areas. (I am talking here about younger kids, preteen and below, not teenagers who have much more of a choice about amusements and often choose poorly.)
Another area that is a good one for kids to start taking responsibility in is problem solving and conflict resolution. This is a little trickier and I think deserves its own post, so look for that one coming up soon.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not advocating a free-for-all or parental neglect as a strategy. Of course, children need care, routine and structure to help them order their lives and create healthy boundaries to their behavior. But let’s be aware of when we’ve crossed the line between structured and smothered.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Miracle Child
There are many stories about miracle children: children who were conceived against all odds. I don’t have one of those stories. I’ve never had trouble conceiving, although I feel deeply for those women who do. I have a story about how a miracle saved my child’s life.
In the Hebrew month of Av (which usually falls around August), our spiritual teacher, Eliyahu Jian, called my husband in to meet with him. This was unusual since meetings were almost always initiated by the student. When my husband, Tony, went to meet with him, Eliyahu told him that we had to give charity.
In most places, people ask nicely for charitable contributions and make a big deal of those who give, but not in the Kabbalah Centre. Spiritually, charity is something that is not just nice to do; it can actually remove a judgment of death, so when you give it, you are doing it for yourself and not as a favor for anyone else. After discussing it, we wrote an uncomfortably large check for charity.
Several days later, on the 14th day of Av, our family was out by our pool. Since we live in south Florida where it is sweltering and sticky well into October, we spend most weekends by the pool. Tony was working on refinishing a table. I was in the pool, playing with my older kids and Rebecca, the baby, was toddling around the patio. She was 20 months old and the only one who couldn’t yet swim, so we made sure she was safe by putting her in a one-piece bathing suit with built-in Styrofoam pads for floatation.
It was a beautiful day and everyone was having fun. Suddenly, Danny yelled out, “Rebecca!” I turned around, and there, floating face down in the water, was my baby. Somehow, the safety bathing suit had held her front in the water and she was too little to lift her head up from that position.
I grabbed her as fast as I could. She was unconscious, and her lips were blue. I didn’t know CPR, and neither did my husband. I had her upright in my arms and her little head was flopped to one side.
My five-year old daughter, Miriam, ran inside and got a volume of the Zohar and pressed the book against the baby’s body, (http://www.kabbalah.com/11.php), as did my nine-year-old son. My husband was praying hard. I was frantic, but a part of me seemed to know what to do. As I look back, it seems that someone else took over during those critical minutes because I hadn’t a clue about what to do and very little of my rational brain was functioning. I shifted her body up until her belly was on my shoulder and I squeezed her tightly to me. When I did that, a huge amount of water gushed forth from her mouth and she started to regain consciousness just a little. It seemed impossible that so much water could even be contained in her little body, but I squeezed her again, and almost the same amount came out as before. She started to cry.
Meanwhile, Tony was on the phone with 911, and the ambulance arrived quickly. Sirens blaring, the paramedics raced us to a nearby emergency room, where Tony met us later once he got a neighbor to watch the other kids. He brought a volume from the Zohar for healing, called Pinchas. I opened it up to look at the Hebrew letters (a visual connection is all that is necessary to bring blessings into a person’s life) and it opened to a section talking about removing the judgment from water. It specifically mentioned flood and drowning. As I looked at the letters, I had the sense that I could go inside Rebecca’s tiny body at high speed, and then I felt certain that everything would be alright.
In the emergency room, the doctors scanned Rebecca’s lungs to see if there was any water still in there. There was only a tiny bit, which they said her body could easily absorb. Their next step was to keep her overnight to make sure that she had no brain damage as a result of being deprived of oxygen. Remarkably, she had absolutely no lasting effects from the near-drowning.
Shortly after she got back home, she went in the pool again (with a different safety device on as well as multiple pairs of hyper-watchful eyes). She never even had any fear of water or swimming, and today, at 3 ½ she can swim about two-thirds the length of the pool under water without coming up for air. It was as if the whole thing had never happened.
It has changed my life, though. For one thing, I know with absolute certainty that the kabbalistic tools (charity, the Zohar) work. I am supremely grateful that I have access to them, thanks to Rav and Karen Berg. I appreciate Rebecca and all my children with a new intensity because I know how easily everything we take for granted can be taken away. And lastly, I know that we always have to keep growing and keep working spiritually because it’s the only way we can truly affect the way our future will be played out.
In the Hebrew month of Av (which usually falls around August), our spiritual teacher, Eliyahu Jian, called my husband in to meet with him. This was unusual since meetings were almost always initiated by the student. When my husband, Tony, went to meet with him, Eliyahu told him that we had to give charity.
In most places, people ask nicely for charitable contributions and make a big deal of those who give, but not in the Kabbalah Centre. Spiritually, charity is something that is not just nice to do; it can actually remove a judgment of death, so when you give it, you are doing it for yourself and not as a favor for anyone else. After discussing it, we wrote an uncomfortably large check for charity.
Several days later, on the 14th day of Av, our family was out by our pool. Since we live in south Florida where it is sweltering and sticky well into October, we spend most weekends by the pool. Tony was working on refinishing a table. I was in the pool, playing with my older kids and Rebecca, the baby, was toddling around the patio. She was 20 months old and the only one who couldn’t yet swim, so we made sure she was safe by putting her in a one-piece bathing suit with built-in Styrofoam pads for floatation.
It was a beautiful day and everyone was having fun. Suddenly, Danny yelled out, “Rebecca!” I turned around, and there, floating face down in the water, was my baby. Somehow, the safety bathing suit had held her front in the water and she was too little to lift her head up from that position.
I grabbed her as fast as I could. She was unconscious, and her lips were blue. I didn’t know CPR, and neither did my husband. I had her upright in my arms and her little head was flopped to one side.
My five-year old daughter, Miriam, ran inside and got a volume of the Zohar and pressed the book against the baby’s body, (http://www.kabbalah.com/11.php), as did my nine-year-old son. My husband was praying hard. I was frantic, but a part of me seemed to know what to do. As I look back, it seems that someone else took over during those critical minutes because I hadn’t a clue about what to do and very little of my rational brain was functioning. I shifted her body up until her belly was on my shoulder and I squeezed her tightly to me. When I did that, a huge amount of water gushed forth from her mouth and she started to regain consciousness just a little. It seemed impossible that so much water could even be contained in her little body, but I squeezed her again, and almost the same amount came out as before. She started to cry.
Meanwhile, Tony was on the phone with 911, and the ambulance arrived quickly. Sirens blaring, the paramedics raced us to a nearby emergency room, where Tony met us later once he got a neighbor to watch the other kids. He brought a volume from the Zohar for healing, called Pinchas. I opened it up to look at the Hebrew letters (a visual connection is all that is necessary to bring blessings into a person’s life) and it opened to a section talking about removing the judgment from water. It specifically mentioned flood and drowning. As I looked at the letters, I had the sense that I could go inside Rebecca’s tiny body at high speed, and then I felt certain that everything would be alright.
In the emergency room, the doctors scanned Rebecca’s lungs to see if there was any water still in there. There was only a tiny bit, which they said her body could easily absorb. Their next step was to keep her overnight to make sure that she had no brain damage as a result of being deprived of oxygen. Remarkably, she had absolutely no lasting effects from the near-drowning.
Shortly after she got back home, she went in the pool again (with a different safety device on as well as multiple pairs of hyper-watchful eyes). She never even had any fear of water or swimming, and today, at 3 ½ she can swim about two-thirds the length of the pool under water without coming up for air. It was as if the whole thing had never happened.
It has changed my life, though. For one thing, I know with absolute certainty that the kabbalistic tools (charity, the Zohar) work. I am supremely grateful that I have access to them, thanks to Rav and Karen Berg. I appreciate Rebecca and all my children with a new intensity because I know how easily everything we take for granted can be taken away. And lastly, I know that we always have to keep growing and keep working spiritually because it’s the only way we can truly affect the way our future will be played out.
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