One of the things people learn about me right away is that I have five children, ages 11, 9, 7, 5 and 3. Yet, I am not certifiably insane, haven’t torn out all my hair and I don’t have chronic laryngitis from screaming all the time. Want to know my secret?
There are actually three secrets. I will talk about the first one in this article; the other secrets will be discussed in detail in subsequent articles.
The first secret is: Don’t get emotionally involved.
Nothing effects a parent’s emotions more than their children. After all, we have the enormous responsibility of providing for their physical needs, making them feel loved, teaching them good values, instructing them in academic matters, showing them strategies for dealing with difficult people and situations, and much more. They are your flesh and blood. So what do I mean by “don’t get emotionally involved”?
According to the ancient wisdom of Kabbalah, everyone around us, especially people close to us, is there to help us overcome our less than perfect qualities and behaviors. They can accomplish this in one of three ways. They can be supportive of our spiritual growth by helping us identify and fix negative behaviors, they can push our buttons by acting the exact opposite way that we act, or they can push our buttons by acting the exact same way we act. If you are lucky, your spouse, parents, and friends fall into the first category; your children never will. Children are always here to push our buttons so that we have an opportunity to see where we act negatively and fix it.
For example, maybe you tend to cut corners. When you do need to do something, you may tend to do it sloppily or maybe forget about it altogether. You may therefore have a child who is also lazy. She might rush through her homework or forget to study for tests. Because you care for your child and don’t want her to get bad grades, you need to teach her to be responsible and thorough, and to take pride in her work. This is the same lesson that you need to learn for yourself.
On the opposite side, you might be a stickler for rules and be very strict. You might have a child who cares nothing for rules and always tends to rebel. This behavior is there to show you that you, too, are acting in an extreme way and both you and your child need to move towards the center, having respect for rules, but not being too rigid.
So, when a child misbehaves, there is always a lesson for the parent and the child. Many times, the lesson is about a combination of caring and control. Your child needs to learn to control his behavior. You need to learn to control your anger or frustration. You need to behave in your child’s best interest because you care for him. Your child needs to feel on a deep level that the reason you are scolding, lecturing or “punishing” (more on that word later) him is because you care for him.
Children intuitively know their parents’ consciousness. So if you are angry and trying not to show it, your child will still tune into the fact that you are angry and will react to it (by being afraid, defiant or dishonest, according to his age and disposition).
Imagine this scenario. You are grocery shopping with your toddler at the end of the day. She has been whining and misbehaving the whole time and now you are in line. She demands that you buy her candy. What do you do?
Step 1 - You need to think about what is best for your daughter. Is it better to give in and avoid a scene or to say no, and risk a screaming fit? Giving in teaches her that whining works and that there is no relation between behavior and consequence. Saying no teaches the opposite, which is a lifelong lesson and is better for her in the long run.
OK, so you say no. Now, she starts screaming and everyone is looking at you. You are embarrassed. You can give in now (see above), or hang tough. You stick to your guns and refuse to buy the candy and the screaming ratchets up another few decibels. Now you have another choice.
Step 2 - You can get angry and start yelling at her or you can remember that she is programmed by the universe to push your buttons. It isn’t personal, so you can’t judge her for acting that way. By acting like this, she is giving you an opportunity to resist being angry. When you then deal with her without anger, she will know it, and will be more receptive to what you say.
Step 3 – You calmly explain to her that you are not going to get her the candy because she made a bad choice by whining and misbehaving in the store. You explain to her that when she makes good choices, then good things happen, but when she makes bad choices, then there is a consequence that she will not like very much. By framing it as a bad choice she made rather than saying she is a bad girl, she understands that although you do not like her behavior, you still like and love her as a person.
Step 4 – Repeat whenever necessary. Your child may not respond by instantly becoming a model child, but with consistent repetition, it will make a major difference in her behavior.
This method works on any age child, only the consequences change (from time outs for younger kids to taking away the car for teenagers) but the earlier you start, the better. Check back for the next article discussing the second secret of getting your kids to behave.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Labor of Love: Adventures in Birthing
One of the things people learn about me right away is that I have five children. No, that’s not a typo – I have 5 beautiful, infuriating, loving, whiny, fun, disobedient, smart, smart-mouthed, wonderful kids. None of them are twins or adopted or stepchildren, so I have had five full term pregnancies, for a total of about ten years of continuously being either pregnant or nursing (or both).
If you are pregnant for the first time, or have had miscarriages or stillbirths (as a very dear friend of mine did), you are probably nervous about your pregnancy and especially about labor and delivery. Your ob may have told you that your mood and stress level effects the baby, and that is true, but just saying that will not ease your mind and relax you. So I thought maybe a little humor would help. (Although funny, these are true stories.)
My eldest, Danny, is now eleven years old. Since he was my first, I really didn’t know what to expect. Somehow, I thought that the more people who loved me were there, the more I would feel supported. Bad idea (at least for me, everyone’s different)! Both of my parents and a good friend were there, and of course my husband, who was so nervous he was vomiting in the bathroom almost the entire time. My dad brought his video camera and taped the entire birth, which after the excitement had died down, became completely humiliating for me. I have since confiscated the tape and it has never been shown, nor will it ever. Let’s just say that it isn’t my best side and leave it at that.
My second child, Mia, was nine days early. In the mysterious mind of an expectant father, that somehow meant that every child would come early. So when I was pregnant with my third child, Miriam, my husband was so confident that she would come early that he took all of his vacation time a full two weeks before my due date. When his vacation was almost over and I was still pregnant, he panicked. Since his job involved travel and he had no more vacation time left, he pressured me to be induced so that he could be there for the birth. So on New Year’s Eve, I went into the hospital to be induced.
If you are ever faced with a non-medical decision to induce, think very carefully because it is very painful! Even though I had an epidural, it didn’t take quite right and I had the combination of my legs being so numb I couldn’t feel them at all, with excruciating pain on my right side. Because it was New Year’s Eve, the hospital was short staffed. There were very few labor/delivery nurses there. The two experienced nurses they had initially given me had to leave to deal with emergency C-sections, and I was left with a nurse who, it appeared, had never done this before. She lost the heartbeat on the fetal monitor and spent around ten minutes trying to adjust the monitor. You can imagine how incredibly scary it was for us when she couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat and we kept insisting that she call the doctor.
Finally, the doctor came in, lifted the sheet, and there was the baby on the table, already born! Because of the funky way the epidural worked, I hadn’t even felt it at all. No wonder the nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat; the baby was already born! As soon as he saw her, the doctor scooped her up, cut the cord and she was just fine, thank goodness.
With my fourth child, Leah, I had decided to have this baby au natural, since I had such a bad experience with the previous epidural, so I hired a doula to help me through the labor process without drugs. A doula is someone who helps a laboring woman through the contractions, eases her pain through massage and helps keep her calm and focused. My doula, Pam, was extremely experienced, both professionally and personally (she had seven children of her own). Most hospitals in the US (unlike in other parts of the world) are not supportive of expectant mothers wanting to give birth naturally, so I was determined to do the bulk of my labor at home where I could do what I wanted, rather than being forced to lie down (the worst position for labor), attached to a bunch of machines.
I went into labor in the morning and asked my husband to drive the kids to school. I didn’t know how it would go without drugs and I didn’t want them in the house listening to me scream. Since my labor with Miriam lasted 18 hours, when I was pregnant with Leah, my husband naturally thought that he had plenty of time for this labor, so on the way back from dropping the kids at school, he stopped at Starbucks to have some coffee. Meanwhile, this baby was in a bit more of a hurry.
Labor progressed quickly and a few minutes after the doula asked me “You don’t feel like pushing, do you?” she ended up delivering the baby right in my bedroom. When my husband called from Starbucks to ask if I wanted him to get me a coffee, he was told that the baby was born (and anyway, what woman in the middle of labor has the presence of mind to drink a hot beverage?).
My mother, who was in the house (but not in the room this time), called 911 because we really didn’t know what to do now. When my husband arrived with his coffee in his hand, there was a fire truck out front and half a dozen firemen in my bedroom where I was lying all naked and exhausted. He was just in time to cut the cord. For years afterwards, every Christmas, I sent Pam a gift card to Starbucks, which gave her a good laugh.
My youngest child, Rebecca, was born without drugs on Christmas Eve, and the doctor who delivered her (yes, we made it to the hospital this time) was named Dr. Rudolf.
So, I have certainly had some adventures in the delivery room, but they all came out fine and healthy, thank goodness. There are some crazy things that can happen, but for the most part, a woman’s body knows what to do and it all ends up with you holding a beautiful baby that you will love for the rest of your life and who will challenge you to become the best that you can be.
If you are pregnant for the first time, or have had miscarriages or stillbirths (as a very dear friend of mine did), you are probably nervous about your pregnancy and especially about labor and delivery. Your ob may have told you that your mood and stress level effects the baby, and that is true, but just saying that will not ease your mind and relax you. So I thought maybe a little humor would help. (Although funny, these are true stories.)
My eldest, Danny, is now eleven years old. Since he was my first, I really didn’t know what to expect. Somehow, I thought that the more people who loved me were there, the more I would feel supported. Bad idea (at least for me, everyone’s different)! Both of my parents and a good friend were there, and of course my husband, who was so nervous he was vomiting in the bathroom almost the entire time. My dad brought his video camera and taped the entire birth, which after the excitement had died down, became completely humiliating for me. I have since confiscated the tape and it has never been shown, nor will it ever. Let’s just say that it isn’t my best side and leave it at that.
My second child, Mia, was nine days early. In the mysterious mind of an expectant father, that somehow meant that every child would come early. So when I was pregnant with my third child, Miriam, my husband was so confident that she would come early that he took all of his vacation time a full two weeks before my due date. When his vacation was almost over and I was still pregnant, he panicked. Since his job involved travel and he had no more vacation time left, he pressured me to be induced so that he could be there for the birth. So on New Year’s Eve, I went into the hospital to be induced.
If you are ever faced with a non-medical decision to induce, think very carefully because it is very painful! Even though I had an epidural, it didn’t take quite right and I had the combination of my legs being so numb I couldn’t feel them at all, with excruciating pain on my right side. Because it was New Year’s Eve, the hospital was short staffed. There were very few labor/delivery nurses there. The two experienced nurses they had initially given me had to leave to deal with emergency C-sections, and I was left with a nurse who, it appeared, had never done this before. She lost the heartbeat on the fetal monitor and spent around ten minutes trying to adjust the monitor. You can imagine how incredibly scary it was for us when she couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat and we kept insisting that she call the doctor.
Finally, the doctor came in, lifted the sheet, and there was the baby on the table, already born! Because of the funky way the epidural worked, I hadn’t even felt it at all. No wonder the nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat; the baby was already born! As soon as he saw her, the doctor scooped her up, cut the cord and she was just fine, thank goodness.
With my fourth child, Leah, I had decided to have this baby au natural, since I had such a bad experience with the previous epidural, so I hired a doula to help me through the labor process without drugs. A doula is someone who helps a laboring woman through the contractions, eases her pain through massage and helps keep her calm and focused. My doula, Pam, was extremely experienced, both professionally and personally (she had seven children of her own). Most hospitals in the US (unlike in other parts of the world) are not supportive of expectant mothers wanting to give birth naturally, so I was determined to do the bulk of my labor at home where I could do what I wanted, rather than being forced to lie down (the worst position for labor), attached to a bunch of machines.
I went into labor in the morning and asked my husband to drive the kids to school. I didn’t know how it would go without drugs and I didn’t want them in the house listening to me scream. Since my labor with Miriam lasted 18 hours, when I was pregnant with Leah, my husband naturally thought that he had plenty of time for this labor, so on the way back from dropping the kids at school, he stopped at Starbucks to have some coffee. Meanwhile, this baby was in a bit more of a hurry.
Labor progressed quickly and a few minutes after the doula asked me “You don’t feel like pushing, do you?” she ended up delivering the baby right in my bedroom. When my husband called from Starbucks to ask if I wanted him to get me a coffee, he was told that the baby was born (and anyway, what woman in the middle of labor has the presence of mind to drink a hot beverage?).
My mother, who was in the house (but not in the room this time), called 911 because we really didn’t know what to do now. When my husband arrived with his coffee in his hand, there was a fire truck out front and half a dozen firemen in my bedroom where I was lying all naked and exhausted. He was just in time to cut the cord. For years afterwards, every Christmas, I sent Pam a gift card to Starbucks, which gave her a good laugh.
My youngest child, Rebecca, was born without drugs on Christmas Eve, and the doctor who delivered her (yes, we made it to the hospital this time) was named Dr. Rudolf.
So, I have certainly had some adventures in the delivery room, but they all came out fine and healthy, thank goodness. There are some crazy things that can happen, but for the most part, a woman’s body knows what to do and it all ends up with you holding a beautiful baby that you will love for the rest of your life and who will challenge you to become the best that you can be.
The Meaning of Life
Everyone has heard the expression, “nobody’s perfect,” but did you ever wonder why that is? In fact, have you ever wondered what is the meaning of life? Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world if God is all-powerful and all good? Most religions talk about how the world was created, but do any of them say why it was created in the first place?
There is one spiritual discipline that does answer these questions and many more. It is an ancient wisdom called Kabbalah. This wisdom has been handed down from teacher to student throughout the generations, beginning with Abraham the Patriarch. Numerous great thinkers, including Plato, Jung, Edison, Newton and Einstein studied it, and it has shaped the world we live in, albeit behind the scenes.
According to the sages, each soul comes to this world to perfect itself. Of course, each soul is distinct and has to deal with different issues that it needs to correct. Although it is possible for a soul to correct itself in one lifetime, it is so difficult that it usually it takes multiple, sometimes hundreds of lifetimes to get it right. Why should it be so hard?
The idea is that at one time, before the creation of the physical universe, all of the souls had a relationship with God where God gave us all possible fulfillment. However, it is a law of the universe that when you get something that you didn’t earn and don’t deserve, you feel ashamed. The physical universe was created to give us a chance to earn everlasting fulfillment by struggling against our own negativity. If the task of overcoming our challenges were easy, then we would not be able to earn the Light of the Creator.
So how do you go about correcting your soul so you can earn complete fulfillment for all eternity? Stay tuned for my upcoming article where I discuss The Soul’s Correction, or go to www.kabbalah.com.
There is one spiritual discipline that does answer these questions and many more. It is an ancient wisdom called Kabbalah. This wisdom has been handed down from teacher to student throughout the generations, beginning with Abraham the Patriarch. Numerous great thinkers, including Plato, Jung, Edison, Newton and Einstein studied it, and it has shaped the world we live in, albeit behind the scenes.
According to the sages, each soul comes to this world to perfect itself. Of course, each soul is distinct and has to deal with different issues that it needs to correct. Although it is possible for a soul to correct itself in one lifetime, it is so difficult that it usually it takes multiple, sometimes hundreds of lifetimes to get it right. Why should it be so hard?
The idea is that at one time, before the creation of the physical universe, all of the souls had a relationship with God where God gave us all possible fulfillment. However, it is a law of the universe that when you get something that you didn’t earn and don’t deserve, you feel ashamed. The physical universe was created to give us a chance to earn everlasting fulfillment by struggling against our own negativity. If the task of overcoming our challenges were easy, then we would not be able to earn the Light of the Creator.
So how do you go about correcting your soul so you can earn complete fulfillment for all eternity? Stay tuned for my upcoming article where I discuss The Soul’s Correction, or go to www.kabbalah.com.
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