There are hundreds of books and magazine articles trying to guide parents, and educate them on child development, safety, education, products, and so forth. Some, like this blog, offer advice on how to be a better parent. But if you are honest with yourself, you already know how you should improve. It’s just the execution of it that is difficult.
For example, I know I that tend to be weak on follow through. I sometimes threaten a consequence and then forget about it or give in. I also am not particularly organized, and this quality shows up in my kids. I tend to forget about (or avoid) things until they reach a crisis point, just like my son tends to leave his science fair project until the weekend before it is due.
Now is a time for introspection, a time for soul searching. Take some time, after the kids are in bed to think about yourself in relation to your children. Where could you improve? Do you need to control your temper? Pay more attention to their needs? Be more consistent? Give them more independence or less?
At this time of year, just before Rosh Hashana, you have the opportunity to make a lasting change that will impact you and your children for the rest of your lives. But the only way to do it is to be totally, brutally honest with yourself, be sorry that you acted that way in the past and make a conscious decision that the new you will be someone who does not act in that negative way anymore.
Good luck, and shana tova!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Quest for Quiet
My favorite part of the movie Click is when the dad points the clicker at his kids and hits the mute button and suddenly there is silence. What parent doesn’t secretly wish his kids could be quieted so easily? With five kids running around, silence is golden mainly because it is just as rare. So I decided to do an experiment – a day of silence from kids. Well, relative silence, anyway. I did not forbid the kids to talk, because that would be setting them and the whole experiment up for failure. As an incentive, I told them that if they were quiet all day, at the end of the day, they would each get $10 to spend at a mall store of their choice.
Here are the rules: No yelling or screaming, whether in happiness or otherwise. No making noise with objects (banging on things, skateboarding in the house, etc.). It is a game but not a contest, so they are not allowed to do something to make another person yell or make noise. This will not help the instigator. No fighting or hurting each other. They can make noise outside as long as it is out of earshot from adults, but they can’t just leave the house all day and still get the prize at the end because that’s cheating.
6:45 AM – I go in to wake the girls up for school and they barely move. This is a little too silent! It takes a while to get them even to wake up enough for them to move over and make room for me to cuddle (our morning ritual). After a great deal of my prodding and singing silly songs, they finally haul their groggy bodies out of bed and quietly get dressed. Miriam is extremely cranky, but manages to whine quietly. I help her find her clothes. The girls make it out the door in time to catch the bus, although Miriam’s hair looks like a bird’s nest. Danny gets up late, so avoids a fight over the bathroom with his sisters. He is so late I have to give him a ride to school (he usually walks), but he is quiet and calm during the short ride. So far, so good.
9:45 AM – Four kids are off for school, and I only have Rebecca at home. As I am trying to work, Rebecca decides she wants to color. I get her crayons and paper and suggest that she makes a belated birthday card for her Nana, whose birthday was last month. She is confused. Why didn’t we go to Nana’s birthday? I explain that she didn’t have a party. Apparently this is incomprehensible to a 3-year old. Then she switches gears. “Is it still your birthday?” she asks me. I explain that no, my birthday was a couple of days ago. More confusion. In her mind, birthdays are major events that necessitate week-long celebrations. I tell her she can still celebrate my birthday if she likes, just quietly. She gets the hint and goes back to coloring.
2:25 PM – The girls get home from school and come in without screaming and yelling. A first! As usual, it takes several reminders to get them to do their homework and chores, but they do so without fussing too loudly. Then they go into the library and allow their brains to be slowly (but quietly) sucked into the television.
4:15 – Danny gets home from middle school and causes no problems initially, mostly by going directly into the library to watch TV. Miriam comes out and starts yelling that Danny is controlling the clicker. She catches herself after I remind her about the Quiet game. I use this opportunity to point out to Danny that he has not done his chores, so he comes out to clean the kitchen. Within five minutes, he yells because he hit his hand on the cabinet, bangs a cabinet door closed, and drops a metal bowl on the floor. So much for quiet. Then he picks a fight with his sister and tells her that he will beat her quietly so she will scream and get out of the game. I remind him of the rules and make it clear that that sort of behavior is not allowed. Danny opens a cabinet door and the lid of a pot falls out and clatters on the floor.
6:30 PM – We decide that since we are planning to go to the mall for the prizes, we may as well eat dinner there too, so we pile into the car. Whatever self-control Danny, Rebecca and Miriam had completely crumbles and they are as noisy as ever. The other two continue being quiet. Once we get to the mall, I tell the loud kids that they didn’t win the prize. However, because they tried, they each get $5 worth of stuff. Let’s face it – even though they weren’t completely quiet, they were a whole lot quieter than normal, so I feel like I got some benefit.
So, what did I learn from my little experiment? First, it is possible to tone down the noise as long as you’re willing to pay. Towards the end of the day, it would be helpful if the kids did something that will keep them busy and out of earshot like going outside because their self control is shot. And finally, don’t expect quiet until the last one moves out of the house.
Here are the rules: No yelling or screaming, whether in happiness or otherwise. No making noise with objects (banging on things, skateboarding in the house, etc.). It is a game but not a contest, so they are not allowed to do something to make another person yell or make noise. This will not help the instigator. No fighting or hurting each other. They can make noise outside as long as it is out of earshot from adults, but they can’t just leave the house all day and still get the prize at the end because that’s cheating.
6:45 AM – I go in to wake the girls up for school and they barely move. This is a little too silent! It takes a while to get them even to wake up enough for them to move over and make room for me to cuddle (our morning ritual). After a great deal of my prodding and singing silly songs, they finally haul their groggy bodies out of bed and quietly get dressed. Miriam is extremely cranky, but manages to whine quietly. I help her find her clothes. The girls make it out the door in time to catch the bus, although Miriam’s hair looks like a bird’s nest. Danny gets up late, so avoids a fight over the bathroom with his sisters. He is so late I have to give him a ride to school (he usually walks), but he is quiet and calm during the short ride. So far, so good.
9:45 AM – Four kids are off for school, and I only have Rebecca at home. As I am trying to work, Rebecca decides she wants to color. I get her crayons and paper and suggest that she makes a belated birthday card for her Nana, whose birthday was last month. She is confused. Why didn’t we go to Nana’s birthday? I explain that she didn’t have a party. Apparently this is incomprehensible to a 3-year old. Then she switches gears. “Is it still your birthday?” she asks me. I explain that no, my birthday was a couple of days ago. More confusion. In her mind, birthdays are major events that necessitate week-long celebrations. I tell her she can still celebrate my birthday if she likes, just quietly. She gets the hint and goes back to coloring.
2:25 PM – The girls get home from school and come in without screaming and yelling. A first! As usual, it takes several reminders to get them to do their homework and chores, but they do so without fussing too loudly. Then they go into the library and allow their brains to be slowly (but quietly) sucked into the television.
4:15 – Danny gets home from middle school and causes no problems initially, mostly by going directly into the library to watch TV. Miriam comes out and starts yelling that Danny is controlling the clicker. She catches herself after I remind her about the Quiet game. I use this opportunity to point out to Danny that he has not done his chores, so he comes out to clean the kitchen. Within five minutes, he yells because he hit his hand on the cabinet, bangs a cabinet door closed, and drops a metal bowl on the floor. So much for quiet. Then he picks a fight with his sister and tells her that he will beat her quietly so she will scream and get out of the game. I remind him of the rules and make it clear that that sort of behavior is not allowed. Danny opens a cabinet door and the lid of a pot falls out and clatters on the floor.
6:30 PM – We decide that since we are planning to go to the mall for the prizes, we may as well eat dinner there too, so we pile into the car. Whatever self-control Danny, Rebecca and Miriam had completely crumbles and they are as noisy as ever. The other two continue being quiet. Once we get to the mall, I tell the loud kids that they didn’t win the prize. However, because they tried, they each get $5 worth of stuff. Let’s face it – even though they weren’t completely quiet, they were a whole lot quieter than normal, so I feel like I got some benefit.
So, what did I learn from my little experiment? First, it is possible to tone down the noise as long as you’re willing to pay. Towards the end of the day, it would be helpful if the kids did something that will keep them busy and out of earshot like going outside because their self control is shot. And finally, don’t expect quiet until the last one moves out of the house.
The Chore of Chores
Chores are a constant point of friction in my house. It should be relatively simple. Each kid has chores he or she knows about since they are the same every day, and they are expected to do them when they get home from school, after homework and before anything else. But it never seems to work out quite as planned.
My kids are pretty good about doing their homework right away (that took some work several years ago, but is now ingrained as a habit). But shortly thereafter, they will try to sneak off into the library (an extra room made out of our former garage) to watch TV. Every day I open the door and remind them that there is no TV until their homework is done and checked and their chores are done and checked. Reluctantly, and as slowly as humanly possible, they drag themselves up, tear their eyes away from the television and disperse to do their chores.
My four older ones have chores, and the older they are, the more challenging their chores. Danny, my eldest, has to clean his room, clean the kitchen and take out the garbage and recycling including bringing it to the curb. Mia, next in line, has to clean the room she shares with Miriam and put away all the laundry (a huge job in our house). Miriam has to keep the bathroom clean, set the table, feed the dog and help with preparing dinner. Leah has to clean the room she shares with Rebecca and tidy the library. On Friday afternoons after school, everyone helps clean and cook to get ready for Shabbat.
Danny’s method of dealing with chores is to try to find someone to help him. Many times, when he has brought a friend over right after school, he has been able to get his friend to help him do his chores. It is a testament to his charisma and leadership abilities that he is able to get these kids, many of whom have little or no chores to do at home, to bring in garbage cans, unload my dishwasher and clean his room.
Problems arise, however, when no friend is available. Then his attention naturally turns to his sisters, with whom he is considerably less charming. His tactics range from bribery (usually with candy) to strong-arming, to outright hiring them for cash. These usually end badly, and he will normally end up having to do it himself, in the quickest and least thorough way possible. Because of his propensity to sub-contract his chores, I have had to put rules in place to prevent conflicts. Just like a general contractor, he needs to check to make sure the job is done right, or he is held responsible.
I am constantly after him to do a better and more complete job. I have even been known to wake him up and make him go back and do a better job cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Even after multiple times, the job is rarely perfect, but it is at least acceptable. I am hoping that with repetition, eventually he will see that it is easier to do it right the first time.
My firm belief is that my daughter Mia was a princess in a former life. Since she was a baby, she has shown the same unconcern about picking up after herself as someone who is certain she is being followed discretely by an army of servants. She also has exhibited the same disbelief and shock when confronted with the idea of doing chores as someone well accustomed to be treated royally. Until fairly recently, when told that she needs to clean her room or put away the laundry, the stress of impending chores would cause her to burst into tears. When forced to put the clothes away, she would take piles of clean clothes that needed to be hung in the closet and stash them in cabinets and on the floor in the back corner of the closet so she wouldn’t have to hang them.
Surprisingly, however, she has recently made a change. She no longer cries when told to do her chores. She still begs me not to do laundry and seems relatively unconcerned about the consequences of ignoring the growing piles of dirty clothes (wear dirty, smelly clothes or go naked). But now, when I tell her to do her chores, she actually does them. She gets distracted and it takes her a long time to do it, but eventually it gets done, more or less. Her room doesn’t ever get completely clean, but at least it is no longer an ideal habitat for various creatures. Baby steps.
Miriam is the best at chores, since she is naturally a hard worker. Although she has a lot of chores, many of them do not require much work, like feeding the dog. Because she is the least lazy and resentful when it comes to chores, I often ask her to do extra things to help me. I feel faintly guilty when I do this because it doesn’t seem fair to “punish” the best one with more work, but I have to be practical, and things need to get done, one way or the other.
Leah will happily do her chores as long as I sit there with her and tell her exactly what to do. She and Rebecca love to clean, especially if it involves spraying something. On Fridays, I let them dust the furniture. I start out with a full can of Pledge and when they’re done, there is hardly any left, but the furniture is extra shiny, so I let it go.
Most days, I feel that it would be a lot less work to just do the chores myself. But I truly believe that chores are a good way to teach responsibility and the value of contributing to the family’s success, so I continue to nag, check, cajole and yell when necessary for my kids’ sake. That is the chore I like the least…
My kids are pretty good about doing their homework right away (that took some work several years ago, but is now ingrained as a habit). But shortly thereafter, they will try to sneak off into the library (an extra room made out of our former garage) to watch TV. Every day I open the door and remind them that there is no TV until their homework is done and checked and their chores are done and checked. Reluctantly, and as slowly as humanly possible, they drag themselves up, tear their eyes away from the television and disperse to do their chores.
My four older ones have chores, and the older they are, the more challenging their chores. Danny, my eldest, has to clean his room, clean the kitchen and take out the garbage and recycling including bringing it to the curb. Mia, next in line, has to clean the room she shares with Miriam and put away all the laundry (a huge job in our house). Miriam has to keep the bathroom clean, set the table, feed the dog and help with preparing dinner. Leah has to clean the room she shares with Rebecca and tidy the library. On Friday afternoons after school, everyone helps clean and cook to get ready for Shabbat.
Danny’s method of dealing with chores is to try to find someone to help him. Many times, when he has brought a friend over right after school, he has been able to get his friend to help him do his chores. It is a testament to his charisma and leadership abilities that he is able to get these kids, many of whom have little or no chores to do at home, to bring in garbage cans, unload my dishwasher and clean his room.
Problems arise, however, when no friend is available. Then his attention naturally turns to his sisters, with whom he is considerably less charming. His tactics range from bribery (usually with candy) to strong-arming, to outright hiring them for cash. These usually end badly, and he will normally end up having to do it himself, in the quickest and least thorough way possible. Because of his propensity to sub-contract his chores, I have had to put rules in place to prevent conflicts. Just like a general contractor, he needs to check to make sure the job is done right, or he is held responsible.
I am constantly after him to do a better and more complete job. I have even been known to wake him up and make him go back and do a better job cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Even after multiple times, the job is rarely perfect, but it is at least acceptable. I am hoping that with repetition, eventually he will see that it is easier to do it right the first time.
My firm belief is that my daughter Mia was a princess in a former life. Since she was a baby, she has shown the same unconcern about picking up after herself as someone who is certain she is being followed discretely by an army of servants. She also has exhibited the same disbelief and shock when confronted with the idea of doing chores as someone well accustomed to be treated royally. Until fairly recently, when told that she needs to clean her room or put away the laundry, the stress of impending chores would cause her to burst into tears. When forced to put the clothes away, she would take piles of clean clothes that needed to be hung in the closet and stash them in cabinets and on the floor in the back corner of the closet so she wouldn’t have to hang them.
Surprisingly, however, she has recently made a change. She no longer cries when told to do her chores. She still begs me not to do laundry and seems relatively unconcerned about the consequences of ignoring the growing piles of dirty clothes (wear dirty, smelly clothes or go naked). But now, when I tell her to do her chores, she actually does them. She gets distracted and it takes her a long time to do it, but eventually it gets done, more or less. Her room doesn’t ever get completely clean, but at least it is no longer an ideal habitat for various creatures. Baby steps.
Miriam is the best at chores, since she is naturally a hard worker. Although she has a lot of chores, many of them do not require much work, like feeding the dog. Because she is the least lazy and resentful when it comes to chores, I often ask her to do extra things to help me. I feel faintly guilty when I do this because it doesn’t seem fair to “punish” the best one with more work, but I have to be practical, and things need to get done, one way or the other.
Leah will happily do her chores as long as I sit there with her and tell her exactly what to do. She and Rebecca love to clean, especially if it involves spraying something. On Fridays, I let them dust the furniture. I start out with a full can of Pledge and when they’re done, there is hardly any left, but the furniture is extra shiny, so I let it go.
Most days, I feel that it would be a lot less work to just do the chores myself. But I truly believe that chores are a good way to teach responsibility and the value of contributing to the family’s success, so I continue to nag, check, cajole and yell when necessary for my kids’ sake. That is the chore I like the least…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
