How to Get Your Kids to Behave – The First Secret

One of the things people learn about me right away is that I have five children, ages 11, 9, 7, 5 and 3. Yet, I am not certifiably insane, haven’t torn out all my hair and I don’t have chronic laryngitis from screaming all the time. Want to know my secret?

There are actually three secrets. I will talk about the first one in this article; the other secrets will be discussed in detail in subsequent articles.

The first secret is: Don’t get emotionally involved.

Nothing effects a parent’s emotions more than their children. After all, we have the enormous responsibility of providing for their physical needs, making them feel loved, teaching them good values, instructing them in academic matters, showing them strategies for dealing with difficult people and situations, and much more. They are your flesh and blood. So what do I mean by “don’t get emotionally involved”?

According to the ancient wisdom of Kabbalah, everyone around us, especially people close to us, is there to help us overcome our less than perfect qualities and behaviors. They can accomplish this in one of three ways. They can be supportive of our spiritual growth by helping us identify and fix negative behaviors, they can push our buttons by acting the exact opposite way that we act, or they can push our buttons by acting the exact same way we act. If you are lucky, your spouse, parents, and friends fall into the first category; your children never will. Children are always here to push our buttons so that we have an opportunity to see where we act negatively and fix it.

For example, maybe you tend to cut corners. When you do need to do something, you may tend to do it sloppily or maybe forget about it altogether. You may therefore have a child who is also lazy. She might rush through her homework or forget to study for tests. Because you care for your child and don’t want her to get bad grades, you need to teach her to be responsible and thorough, and to take pride in her work. This is the same lesson that you need to learn for yourself.

On the opposite side, you might be a stickler for rules and be very strict. You might have a child who cares nothing for rules and always tends to rebel. This behavior is there to show you that you, too, are acting in an extreme way and both you and your child need to move towards the center, having respect for rules, but not being too rigid.

So, when a child misbehaves, there is always a lesson for the parent and the child. Many times, the lesson is about a combination of caring and control. Your child needs to learn to control his behavior. You need to learn to control your anger or frustration. You need to behave in your child’s best interest because you care for him. Your child needs to feel on a deep level that the reason you are scolding, lecturing or “punishing” (more on that word later) him is because you care for him.

Children intuitively know their parents’ consciousness. So if you are angry and trying not to show it, your child will still tune into the fact that you are angry and will react to it (by being afraid, defiant or dishonest, according to his age and disposition).

Imagine this scenario. You are grocery shopping with your toddler at the end of the day. She has been whining and misbehaving the whole time and now you are in line. She demands that you buy her candy. What do you do?

Step 1 - You need to think about what is best for your daughter. Is it better to give in and avoid a scene or to say no, and risk a screaming fit? Giving in teaches her that whining works and that there is no relation between behavior and consequence. Saying no teaches the opposite, which is a lifelong lesson and is better for her in the long run.

OK, so you say no. Now, she starts screaming and everyone is looking at you. You are embarrassed. You can give in now (see above), or hang tough. You stick to your guns and refuse to buy the candy and the screaming ratchets up another few decibels. Now you have another choice.

Step 2 - You can get angry and start yelling at her or you can remember that she is programmed by the universe to push your buttons. It isn’t personal, so you can’t judge her for acting that way. By acting like this, she is giving you an opportunity to resist being angry. When you then deal with her without anger, she will know it, and will be more receptive to what you say.

Step 3 – You calmly explain to her that you are not going to get her the candy because she made a bad choice by whining and misbehaving in the store. You explain to her that when she makes good choices, then good things happen, but when she makes bad choices, then there is a consequence that she will not like very much. By framing it as a bad choice she made rather than saying she is a bad girl, she understands that although you do not like her behavior, you still like and love her as a person.

Step 4 – Repeat whenever necessary. Your child may not respond by instantly becoming a model child, but with consistent repetition, it will make a major difference in her behavior.

This method works on any age child, only the consequences change (from time outs for younger kids to taking away the car for teenagers) but the earlier you start, the better. Check back for the next article discussing the second secret of getting your kids to behave.