Public Opinion

When I go places with all my kids, I encounter all sorts of reactions. The most comment thing I hear from strangers is, “Are they all yours?” When I say that they are, I usually get some sort of blessing. I’m not knocking it; I will take all the blessings I can get. Sometimes I get other, more annoying reactions, though.

One time, we were on vacation and we went out to a restaurant. A man approached us and after giving our family a meaningful look asked us, “Don’t you have cable TV?” I am sure that he meant it as funny, but frankly, I had never considered television to be a form of birth control. That is kind of a scary concept to me, and anyway, not very reliable. We do have satellite TV, after all and (thank goodness) I consider my husband to be much more interesting than any program.

Some people look at us as if we are either really bad planners or freaks. I have actually had people ask if all of our children were planned. Yes, they were planned; none of my children is a result of a blonde moment. I am very clear on how the whole birds and the bees thing works and available ways of preventing conception, thank you very much. And no, none of my kids are twins; we didn’t get tricked by nature into having so many children. Likewise, we did not have so many kids because of religious restrictions or edicts.

The worst comment I ever heard was when I was pregnant with my youngest, Rebecca. I went to the OB/gyn for my first prenatal checkup and when I went to check out with the receptionist, she asked me if this was my first child. “No,” I told her with a smile, “it is my fifth.” The woman looked at me and replied, “I would kill myself.” With great effort, I restrained myself from giving her a piece of my mind. Suffice it to say that this person should not work at an OB’s office and is in desperate need of a filter between brain and mouth.

In the US, the average family size in 2009 is 2.05 children per woman, or basically zero population growth. However, in other times, the norm was 4, 5, and up to 8 children per family. In my family, my grandfather (born around 1910) was one of eight children, all sons. So the whole concept that having five kids is somehow undoable or bizarre is misguided.

They say that God gives you what you have the capacity handle, and I think that is true. When people marvel that I am so calm even with five kids, I reply that people who are high strung don't have five kids in the first place. I do know that I am thankful for each one of the very special people that I have been entrusted with. I am also grateful that in addition to my husband and me, they will always have each other. As an only child myself, that is important to me (and my husband, one of two children).

So the next time you see mom or dad with the courage to handle the hassles and logistics of taking a large family out in public, reserve the judgment and stick with the blessings. Specifically, you can bless us with abundant patience, peace and wealth because that is what we need.

In Case of Temper Tantrum, Break Glass

I know I am not the only mother who has watched a toddler having an all-out temper tantrum and wondered if there is something wrong with her child. Chemical imbalances? Poltergeists? Psychological issues? Your kid just doesn’t like you? Before you go hauling your 2 or 3 year-old off to be examined by a bunch of specialists, please read this post. In 99.999% of the cases, there is a very simple explanation…Your child is a toddler.

It seems unreasonable to us that a person would turn completely red and his body thrash around because he can’t have another cookie, or would continuously scream at the top of her lungs for the entire 45 minute car ride in a vehicle filled with other people because she doesn’t like the song on the radio. However, we need to remember that reason doesn’t really factor in here.

When they are babies, they are working very hard to get control of their own bodies, sitting, walking, picking stuff up, etc.. When they are toddlers, they are working on getting control of their emotions. Keep in mind that they are in a near-constant state of frustration. They can see things they want, but can’t reach them; they can walk, but can’t go everywhere they want; they can talk, but often don’t have the vocabulary or patience to express themselves verbally.

Here are some strategies I have used successfully. The next time your kid has a temper tantrum, you should try one or more of them out. You will probably find that one or two are more effective given your personality and your child’s.

• Distract – This is one of the only times you will be happy that your toddler has the attention span of a fly. Pretend that he is not screaming his head off, totally ignore the topic of the temper tantrum and start talking in a loud, upbeat voice about something pleasant or interesting to your child. Here’s an example: “Hey, it’s almost your birthday (or Christmas, or summer vacation, or July 4th, time for dinner, etc…)! What do you want as a gift/where do you want to go/what do you want to eat?”
• Commiserate – This only works if you are being silly. Let’s say she wants something that she can’t have, like a pacifier you are trying to wean her from. You can say, “Daddy hasn’t let me have my binky for a long time either!” Then pretend to suck your thumb. Chances are, you will have an end to the temper tantrum and even get a smile or laugh out of it.
• Hold her hand – This one is really counterintuitive. Our first instinct when faced with a no-holds-barred temper tantrum is to have a bit of a temper tantrum ourselves and yell out our frustration. This always backfires, and makes the kid’s temper tantrum even worse. When your child is having a temper tantrum, try just holding her hand. You don’t even have to say anything, but this simple act reassures her that you love her and helps her calm down. I usually use this one in the car.
• Talk about choices – Even toddlers can begin to understand that when they behave a certain way, it is a choice they are making. There are good choices and bad choices. Good choices result in positive consequences and bad choices result in unpleasant consequences. See my postings How to Get Your Kids to Behave – The First Secret and How to Get Your Kids to Behave – The Second Secret. When my little ones are misbehaving, I first ask, “Is [the behavior] a good choice or a bad choice?” Don’t be surprised if you don’t get an answer. Next, explain the consequences associated with either the action or the desired behavior. Example: “Screaming because you can’t have something is a bad choice. If you keep screaming, I will have to take you outside for a timeout,” or the opposite approach “If you stop screaming and behave in the grocery store, you can have Tic Tacs when it is time to pay.”

Whatever your strategy for dealing with temper tantrums, keep your cool. Remember that your kid isn’t freaking out in order to frustrate or torture you (that’s just a side benefit). Once it is over, and the kids are asleep, take a deep breath and do something relaxing. Dealing with cranky toddlers is hard work, and you deserve it.

Balancing Act

Just this past week, I have had three reasons that have got me thinking about how much a parent can and should protect her child. As soon as your child is born, your immediate desire is to protect her. You see your job as guarding her from all sorts of perils, from skinned knees and broken hearts to more sinister threats, like kidnapping, car accidents or cancer. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I had trouble sleeping because I had horrible nightmares of all the possible harms that could come to my little one in the coming years. No parent is worry-free. However, is it incumbent on us as parents to shield our children from all hurt, all disappointments?

In the first case, my 5-year old, Leah, said that she didn’t want to go to school because the teacher was mean and yelled at the kids. Her regular teacher was out for a few days, and apparently the woman they brought in to substitute was not prepared to deal with kindergarteners. In my mind, this was an unacceptable situation. Little kids should not have to feel scared to go to school because an adult who is in a position of authority can’t control herself. I called the school to complain (along with a bunch of other parents) and the substitute was substituted. Case closed.

The next situation also involved Leah, who was disappointed because I made a mistake. The elementary school has a Halloween party every year called Monster Mash. My kids have gone pretty much every year since my son was in first grade. You can buy tickets ahead of time through sending money in the kids’ backpack, or in past years, you have been able to buy tickets at the door. For this year, the tickets sold out early. The whole thing slipped my mind (it’s easy for things to fall through the cracks once in a while with five kids) and I didn’t get tickets for my kids. Leah, in particular, was very disappointed that she couldn’t go. On the night before Halloween, when the Monster Mash was taking place, she cried because she couldn’t go, and my husband was very upset about it (possibly more than she was). He told me that he never wants her to feel that way again.

Obviously, in an ideal world when I don’t have a thousand things to think about in any given moment, I would not neglect to get tickets. However, life being what it was, it was a mistake. Regrettable yes, but hardly something that will scar her for life. The next day, I told her I was sorry that she couldn’t go to the party, I took responsibility for not getting the tickets and told her I would make sure she could go next year, and she was just fine.

Did I want to make sure that she never felt this way again? Well, I certainly don’t want to be the cause of her feeling bad if it is something I can easily avoid, like in this case. However, I do think that an occasional situation where things don’t go her way builds character and resilience. Better for her to experience a little bit of hurt in the loving bosom of her family than be completely sheltered and then be exposed to difficulties in the real world without any experience or tools to deal with it.

The last situation was somewhat more serious. I found out that my middle child, Miriam, was being bullied in school. She hadn’t wanted to go to school for about a week and a half, which was unusual behavior for her. When I asked her if anything was going on at school, she told me that a boy who sits at her table in class was always mean to her. She was afraid to go school. When my husband found out about this, his first instinct was to “crush the boy into dust,” and I felt angry too. How dare some little creep bully my princess? Tony wanted to go to school with her and start a rampage of fatherly indignation, which I convinced him was a bad idea.

Instead, I took her to school. When we got to the school and parked, she didn’t want to get out of the car. She said she wanted to go home, but I told her that she had to face the situation. Running away wouldn’t help. I practically had to drag her into the school office. I told the office person the situation and we met with the guidance counselor. My protective instincts were fully engaged, but I held my peace and let the guidance counselor take the lead. Miriam didn’t want to talk about it, but I let the guidance counselor pull the information out of her. In a situation like bullying, the person being bullied needs to stand up for herself. I couldn’t be there all school day keeping an eye on things, so I had to keep myself in check and force her to confront an uncomfortable situation, with adult support from the guidance counselor and teacher. They moved her seat away from the bully and she came home much happier than I had seen her in the past couple of weeks, like her regular self. Some of her happiness, I think, came from her feeling of accomplishment in facing her fear and discomfort and overcoming them.

All in all, it has been a difficult week, but I learned something important. There are times to act like the mother lion and protect your cubs at all costs, and there are times to step back a little and let your children deal with negative situations and emotions. It’s all a delicate balancing act. But it’s well worth it when you see your kids develop the skills and the confidence to deal with challenges without falling apart.

The Hotel Mentality

My husband, Tony travels. A lot. In a typical month, he spends about 2 and a half weeks out of town, much of which spans over weekends since he travels internationally and coming home for weekends just isn’t an option. All this traveling means that he spends a lot of time in hotels. When he is not traveling, he works from home since his company’s office is in Maryland and we live in Florida (which also means he needs to fly up there whenever he needs to meet face to face with anyone in the company).

Despite the fact that he misses me and the kids and calls often, there is one ray of sunshine in the traveling life for him. It’s the hotels. Hotels are always clean, with daily maid service. No one else’s stuff has been left around, so he can arrange his stuff as he likes. There are no little curious hands to snatch his IPhone and leave it on the floor near the bed or to spray his shaving cream on the bathroom mirror. There is no refrigerator that can be left open or cartons of orange juice that are spilled on the ground and left to dry to a tacky mess. There are no little scientists trying to grow penicillin in dishes of neglected food smuggled into their rooms. There is also a certain silence, one without earsplitting screams of “So and so hurt me!” or a sullen, “Why do I have to do it?”

Here’s the problem. Tony comes home from his travels and brings the hotel mentality with him. He starts out eager to see us and hugs and kisses everyone. Once the excitement wears off, he looks around and oftentimes, that is when the hotel mentality kicks in. Total bewilderment at the backpacks carelessly tossed by the front door. Consternation at the sloppily done chores. Disbelief at the baskets of clean laundry waiting to be folded and put away. Shock at the decibel level of kids playing or fighting. “Where is my ordered, quiet world, where some invisible angel turns down my sheet and leaves a small chocolate?” he must wonder.

After a long trip, it takes him about two or three days to adjust to the real reality. Life is messy. Kids are loud. We don’t have a full time maid (or any maid, for that matter). And it’s all OK.

"Now, for heaven's sake," I tell him, "take some vacation time and take me to a hotel!"

Teaching Self-Sufficiency

Having five kids is a lot of work. In a typical week, I work part-time, do ten or more loads of laundry, and go to the grocery store four or five times. I stay on top of four sets of schoolwork, play, cuddle and read with my kids, intervene when needed in fights (see post on Conflict Resolution for Kids), cook, clean and sometimes manage to snatch a few moments alone with my husband, who travels often for work. People who meet me for the first time and find out that I have so many children often ask, “How do you do it?”, or sometimes just say, “God bless!” and shake their heads in wonder. Some imply that I am crazy, and one total stranger suggested that I get cable TV installed in my bedroom.

How do I do it? Part of the answer lies in teaching my kids to be (relatively) self-sufficient. As soon as it is developmentally appropriate, I start to teach and encourage the kids to do as much for themselves as possible.

It all begins with the diaper. Once kids discover that by pulling the tabs on the disposable diaper, it comes off, they love to do it. (Of course, if they’re still pooping in the diaper, you want to avoid this as much as possible by dressing them in overalls or other cumbersome clothing.) When your little one reaches this stage, you can praise her for doing it all by herself, or thank her for helping you. Then give her a wipe and let her do the next step herself too, after which you can take over.

The next logical step is getting dressed. Be prepared for some pretty hilarious outfit combinations (tights with bathing suits, feather boas with shorts, all kinds of crazy color and pattern combos). Sometimes they will get it wrong, putting clothes on backwards or inside out, putting shoes on the wrong feet or mismatched shoes, but that can all be corrected (or ignored, as you see fit). If you are going somewhere that it important that the child looks nice such as a wedding or a sitting for a photographer, you can limit the amount of choice available (“Would you prefer this outfit or this one?” “Skirt or dress?” “Blue or red?”).

Kids get a sense of accomplishment by doing things themselves, even if it’s not done perfectly, and you as a parent can notice, praise and celebrate their growing independence. As your child grows, entrust him with making progressively more important choices and assuming more responsibility. For example, a middle school child can be responsible for putting completed homework in his backpack, making sure he is on time for school, and cleaning his own room.

The next level of teaching self-sufficiency is giving children responsibility for caring for others. This works really well when you have multiple children, since it is a natural fit for an older child to help with a younger one. In my family, at the point that each child was consistently able to buckle his or her own seatbelt, that child also was given the job of buckling the baby into her car seat. I have had my older kids help with the younger ones by reading to them, putting them to bed, carrying them to bed, getting them a snack, getting them dressed, helping them brush their teeth and even cooking for the entire family (with supervision). This participation in the hard work of running the household and childcare helps lighten the load for the ever-busy mom. Combined with a chore schedule, it might even give you time to relax for 5 minutes or even take a shower.

Are You a Helicopter Parent?

I live in Boca Raton, Florida, where the lawns are manicured and the sunlight glimmers off all the recently manicured fingernails. Our city is a caricature of the easy life. Most people here live comfortably, and many live is posh luxury. Parents are educated and sophisticated. Many mothers, and some fathers do not have to work. My children’s elementary school PTA has 100% membership. One year, I forgot to sign up for the PTA during the open house, and I was hunted down and harassed like the mafia hounds someone who welches on a gambling debt.

Last year, my daughter Mia became friendly with a girl in her class. She played with her at recess, but wanted to see her after school too. I talked to her mother to set up a playdate, but the other girl’s mom was unable to schedule a time for the girls to get together because her daughter didn’t have any unscheduled time. She had so many extracurricular activities, that she had no time left over to play with friends.

Another time, Mia went over to a different friend’s house to play. From the moment she got there, the mother had everything planned. She sat with the girls and did a series of crafts with them, interrupted only by a carefully prepared lunch. The girls were with the mother the whole time, as they were directed from one activity to another.

In some article I read somewhere, I heard this sort of parental behavior referred to as “helicopter parenting” because the parent (usually the mom, but sometime joined by the dad) is always hovering nearby, ready to jump in to resolve a problem, plan a source of entertainment, or whisk the child to yet another lesson or activity.

Maybe it is because I have five kids, or because I work from home and am constantly interrupted by my kids once they get home from school, but I don’t subscribe to the helicopter mentality. I am constantly saying things to my kids like, “I’m not your social director. Go find something to do,” or “You’re a kid. Go play. That’s what kids do,” or my all time favorite, “If you’re bored, I can find plenty of chores you can do.” That last one always results in their hightailing it out of range of my voice and usually ends up with their having lots of fun and leaving me in peace for a while.

“I’m bored” is one of the things that my kids say that drive me absolutely crazy (along with anything said in a whiny voice). I think this desire to be constantly amused stems from our technology-driven youth culture, where kids have mindless TV programming broadcast 24/7 and expect instant replies to their questions, comments and concerns via email, text and Twitter. But regardless of the cause, it is something that we have to deal with as parents.

How are children ever to learn to problem solve and use their imaginations if their parents do everything for them? Kids need to be responsible for amusing themselves because, let’s face it – they don’t have that much choice in most other areas. (I am talking here about younger kids, preteen and below, not teenagers who have much more of a choice about amusements and often choose poorly.)

Another area that is a good one for kids to start taking responsibility in is problem solving and conflict resolution. This is a little trickier and I think deserves its own post, so look for that one coming up soon.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not advocating a free-for-all or parental neglect as a strategy. Of course, children need care, routine and structure to help them order their lives and create healthy boundaries to their behavior. But let’s be aware of when we’ve crossed the line between structured and smothered.