Middle School Culture Shock

I wish someone had told me about middle school when my oldest child was still in 5th grade. It’s not that I didn’t talk to people about it; I did. But some people told me about the drugs and (unbelievably) the sexual activity going on in middle school. Another mother told me about how her son was mercilessly bullied until he was contemplating suicide. When I heard these issues being discussed about middle school, I was reasonably confident that my son was prepared and would not be affected by them, being a smart kid, who is strong and popular. But no one had prepared me for the fundamental culture shock of middle school.

I knew that the school was much larger than the elementary school and that the children changed classes, and therefore had many different teachers. However, I didn’t know that the attitude of the teachers and the administration would be so different. I want to make clear that the middle school is not far from where we live, so it draws from our neighborhood and the surrounding neighborhoods, including everyone who went to my kids’ elementary school plus kids from other elementary schools, so it is not a regional or socio-economic difference. It’s more basic than that.

For example, in elementary school, when a kid seems to be having trouble with either grades or behavior, or sometimes for no reason at all, the teacher will contact the parent to arrange a parent-teacher conference to discuss and resolve the situation. In middle school, there is no such reaching out by the teachers. Maybe it’s because they have so many students that they see every day, but if the parent does not initiate contact, there is no contact between the parent and the teacher even if there is a need for the child to get some help.

Another major difference is in how they handle discipline. For example, the kids have to change classes and they have five minutes to get from one classroom to another. If they dawdle and are late, instead of going to the office and getting a late pass, they are sent to the Tardy Room, where they basically sit there and do nothing. Then it is the kid’s responsibility to approach the teacher and ask for the missed classwork to do as homework.

So the idea is that you take kids who are a bit challenged in the area of responsibility and rule following and you allow them to miss class, first of all. This reminds me of the Song of the South books I read as a child, where the rabbit tells the fox “Please, whatever you do, don’t throw me in that briar patch!” So the fox throws him in there, exactly where the rabbit makes his home. Oh, no! You mean I don’t have to sit in class and I get to hang out with my friends and goof off? Please don’t make me go there again!

Then you put the same responsibility-challenged kid in a position where he has to be proactive about following up with his teacher to get the assignment. Basically, it’s a recipe for failure.

The guidance counselor told me that many kids coming in to middle school for the first time get carried away with all of the relative freedom of movement that they have there in comparison to elementary school, and this causes problems for them, particularly with boys. But apparently, this is something that parents have to find out for themselves, a sort of trial by fire.

The lesson in all this, I suppose, is that parents need to be much more nosy and on top of their kids once they get to middle school, just at an age where kids’ hormones are kicking in and they are the most resistant to overbearing parenting or restrictions on their activities. Just another reason why parenting is the hardest job in the world…

Balancing Act

Just this past week, I have had three reasons that have got me thinking about how much a parent can and should protect her child. As soon as your child is born, your immediate desire is to protect her. You see your job as guarding her from all sorts of perils, from skinned knees and broken hearts to more sinister threats, like kidnapping, car accidents or cancer. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I had trouble sleeping because I had horrible nightmares of all the possible harms that could come to my little one in the coming years. No parent is worry-free. However, is it incumbent on us as parents to shield our children from all hurt, all disappointments?

In the first case, my 5-year old, Leah, said that she didn’t want to go to school because the teacher was mean and yelled at the kids. Her regular teacher was out for a few days, and apparently the woman they brought in to substitute was not prepared to deal with kindergarteners. In my mind, this was an unacceptable situation. Little kids should not have to feel scared to go to school because an adult who is in a position of authority can’t control herself. I called the school to complain (along with a bunch of other parents) and the substitute was substituted. Case closed.

The next situation also involved Leah, who was disappointed because I made a mistake. The elementary school has a Halloween party every year called Monster Mash. My kids have gone pretty much every year since my son was in first grade. You can buy tickets ahead of time through sending money in the kids’ backpack, or in past years, you have been able to buy tickets at the door. For this year, the tickets sold out early. The whole thing slipped my mind (it’s easy for things to fall through the cracks once in a while with five kids) and I didn’t get tickets for my kids. Leah, in particular, was very disappointed that she couldn’t go. On the night before Halloween, when the Monster Mash was taking place, she cried because she couldn’t go, and my husband was very upset about it (possibly more than she was). He told me that he never wants her to feel that way again.

Obviously, in an ideal world when I don’t have a thousand things to think about in any given moment, I would not neglect to get tickets. However, life being what it was, it was a mistake. Regrettable yes, but hardly something that will scar her for life. The next day, I told her I was sorry that she couldn’t go to the party, I took responsibility for not getting the tickets and told her I would make sure she could go next year, and she was just fine.

Did I want to make sure that she never felt this way again? Well, I certainly don’t want to be the cause of her feeling bad if it is something I can easily avoid, like in this case. However, I do think that an occasional situation where things don’t go her way builds character and resilience. Better for her to experience a little bit of hurt in the loving bosom of her family than be completely sheltered and then be exposed to difficulties in the real world without any experience or tools to deal with it.

The last situation was somewhat more serious. I found out that my middle child, Miriam, was being bullied in school. She hadn’t wanted to go to school for about a week and a half, which was unusual behavior for her. When I asked her if anything was going on at school, she told me that a boy who sits at her table in class was always mean to her. She was afraid to go school. When my husband found out about this, his first instinct was to “crush the boy into dust,” and I felt angry too. How dare some little creep bully my princess? Tony wanted to go to school with her and start a rampage of fatherly indignation, which I convinced him was a bad idea.

Instead, I took her to school. When we got to the school and parked, she didn’t want to get out of the car. She said she wanted to go home, but I told her that she had to face the situation. Running away wouldn’t help. I practically had to drag her into the school office. I told the office person the situation and we met with the guidance counselor. My protective instincts were fully engaged, but I held my peace and let the guidance counselor take the lead. Miriam didn’t want to talk about it, but I let the guidance counselor pull the information out of her. In a situation like bullying, the person being bullied needs to stand up for herself. I couldn’t be there all school day keeping an eye on things, so I had to keep myself in check and force her to confront an uncomfortable situation, with adult support from the guidance counselor and teacher. They moved her seat away from the bully and she came home much happier than I had seen her in the past couple of weeks, like her regular self. Some of her happiness, I think, came from her feeling of accomplishment in facing her fear and discomfort and overcoming them.

All in all, it has been a difficult week, but I learned something important. There are times to act like the mother lion and protect your cubs at all costs, and there are times to step back a little and let your children deal with negative situations and emotions. It’s all a delicate balancing act. But it’s well worth it when you see your kids develop the skills and the confidence to deal with challenges without falling apart.

The Value of Values

I don’t know about you, but during the George W. Bush administrations, I got sick and tired of hearing the old saw about “family values.” In my opinion, many of these so-called values had more to do with intolerance and closemindedness than anything positive. But this isn’t a political blog.

The point I want to make is that the politicians’ overuse of the phrase has made a lot of us jaded regarding one of the most important things we need to do as parents – instill good values in our children.

Here are some of my thoughts on good values:

Sharing
Once a child reaches the age of two, this is one of the first things we try to teach. There is nothing more mortifying than getting together with a girlfriend who has a kid the same age as yours and watching your child yank her toy away from the other kid yelling “Mine!” at the top of her lungs as your friend tries to comfort her screaming toddler.

I remember going to Shabbat services at the Kabbalah Centre and sitting next to a woman I know, her young son and his little friend. The kid’s friend wanted to play with the boy’s toy airplane and he boy told his mom, “I don’t want to share.” The mom smiled wryly and said, “I don’t want to either.” The irony of this, for those of you who do not study Kabbalah, is that we are told over and over that in order for us to grow spiritually, we must share. But most of the time we don’t want to. It’s too inconvenient or expensive or time consuming. But when we don’t want to is exactly the time we need to do it the most.

With my kids, I teach them that although I understand that they might be cranky if they are hungry or tired or not feeling well or had a bad day at school, they are still required to behave. It may not seem like sharing to maintain good behavior in this situation, but if you think about it, the kid is forced to think about other people before his own desires, and that is sharing at its core. It is that kind of going above and beyond when you don’t feel like it that makes the difference.

Empathy
The other day, my daughter Leah was upset over something. I can’t remember exactly what it was because she has a tendency to get upset over small things when she is tired and it was one of those times. The thing that struck me this time was as soon as she started crying, her big sister Mia came over and hugged her. She put her face next to Leah’s face and murmured comforting things in her ear. Then she put her arm around her and brought her into her room to read a book with her. These are moments as a parent that make everything worthwhile.

I don’t snowboard or do skateboard tricks or bungee jump, but occasionally I get my thrills through extreme parenting. What I mean by this is that I attempt to teach the concept of empathy (frequently unsuccessfully) while my kids are fighting. Here’s my thought process. Fights erupt because one or both kids are judging each other (you took my candy, you’re being annoying, you’re a jerk, you’re a liar, etc.). If I can stop them from judging and open them up to where the other person is coming from, then not only will it diffuse the current fight, but it just might prevent future conflicts.

This is a long-term strategy, so I’ll let you know how it works as time goes on.

Taking Responsibility
When I was a kid, I used to love the Sunday comics (a concept which is totally foreign to my own kids who think that multiple television channels with 24/7 children’s programming is the norm). There was a cartoon called Family Circus, which you might remember, and the little boy had an invisible twin named Not Me. Whenever something broke, it was always Not Me who did it.

In our house, we needed more room, so we enclosed our garage and made it into my husband’s home office and a library, where we have our second TV. This is where the kids watch TV a lot of the time and the room would always get trashed from all the food, wrappers and plates that would accumulate in there. So we imposed a rule that there was no eating in the library. Now, if there are kids in the library and I catch one of them with food, the TV goes off for everyone. They all need to take responsibility for making sure that no one breaks the rule. If they don’t, everyone suffers. This has worked out pretty well for me. They still mess up the library, but nothing like before.

There are, of course, other values that we want to see in our kids: honesty, courage, humility, kindness, and self-confidence. It’s my opinion, however, that these spring out of the other three: sharing, empathy and responsibility. If you have any stories or experiences teaching values to your kids, please comment below.

The Chore of Chores

Chores are a constant point of friction in my house. It should be relatively simple. Each kid has chores he or she knows about since they are the same every day, and they are expected to do them when they get home from school, after homework and before anything else. But it never seems to work out quite as planned.

My kids are pretty good about doing their homework right away (that took some work several years ago, but is now ingrained as a habit). But shortly thereafter, they will try to sneak off into the library (an extra room made out of our former garage) to watch TV. Every day I open the door and remind them that there is no TV until their homework is done and checked and their chores are done and checked. Reluctantly, and as slowly as humanly possible, they drag themselves up, tear their eyes away from the television and disperse to do their chores.

My four older ones have chores, and the older they are, the more challenging their chores. Danny, my eldest, has to clean his room, clean the kitchen and take out the garbage and recycling including bringing it to the curb. Mia, next in line, has to clean the room she shares with Miriam and put away all the laundry (a huge job in our house). Miriam has to keep the bathroom clean, set the table, feed the dog and help with preparing dinner. Leah has to clean the room she shares with Rebecca and tidy the library. On Friday afternoons after school, everyone helps clean and cook to get ready for Shabbat.

Danny’s method of dealing with chores is to try to find someone to help him. Many times, when he has brought a friend over right after school, he has been able to get his friend to help him do his chores. It is a testament to his charisma and leadership abilities that he is able to get these kids, many of whom have little or no chores to do at home, to bring in garbage cans, unload my dishwasher and clean his room.

Problems arise, however, when no friend is available. Then his attention naturally turns to his sisters, with whom he is considerably less charming. His tactics range from bribery (usually with candy) to strong-arming, to outright hiring them for cash. These usually end badly, and he will normally end up having to do it himself, in the quickest and least thorough way possible. Because of his propensity to sub-contract his chores, I have had to put rules in place to prevent conflicts. Just like a general contractor, he needs to check to make sure the job is done right, or he is held responsible.

I am constantly after him to do a better and more complete job. I have even been known to wake him up and make him go back and do a better job cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Even after multiple times, the job is rarely perfect, but it is at least acceptable. I am hoping that with repetition, eventually he will see that it is easier to do it right the first time.

My firm belief is that my daughter Mia was a princess in a former life. Since she was a baby, she has shown the same unconcern about picking up after herself as someone who is certain she is being followed discretely by an army of servants. She also has exhibited the same disbelief and shock when confronted with the idea of doing chores as someone well accustomed to be treated royally. Until fairly recently, when told that she needs to clean her room or put away the laundry, the stress of impending chores would cause her to burst into tears. When forced to put the clothes away, she would take piles of clean clothes that needed to be hung in the closet and stash them in cabinets and on the floor in the back corner of the closet so she wouldn’t have to hang them.

Surprisingly, however, she has recently made a change. She no longer cries when told to do her chores. She still begs me not to do laundry and seems relatively unconcerned about the consequences of ignoring the growing piles of dirty clothes (wear dirty, smelly clothes or go naked). But now, when I tell her to do her chores, she actually does them. She gets distracted and it takes her a long time to do it, but eventually it gets done, more or less. Her room doesn’t ever get completely clean, but at least it is no longer an ideal habitat for various creatures. Baby steps.

Miriam is the best at chores, since she is naturally a hard worker. Although she has a lot of chores, many of them do not require much work, like feeding the dog. Because she is the least lazy and resentful when it comes to chores, I often ask her to do extra things to help me. I feel faintly guilty when I do this because it doesn’t seem fair to “punish” the best one with more work, but I have to be practical, and things need to get done, one way or the other.

Leah will happily do her chores as long as I sit there with her and tell her exactly what to do. She and Rebecca love to clean, especially if it involves spraying something. On Fridays, I let them dust the furniture. I start out with a full can of Pledge and when they’re done, there is hardly any left, but the furniture is extra shiny, so I let it go.

Most days, I feel that it would be a lot less work to just do the chores myself. But I truly believe that chores are a good way to teach responsibility and the value of contributing to the family’s success, so I continue to nag, check, cajole and yell when necessary for my kids’ sake. That is the chore I like the least…

Teaching Self-Sufficiency

Having five kids is a lot of work. In a typical week, I work part-time, do ten or more loads of laundry, and go to the grocery store four or five times. I stay on top of four sets of schoolwork, play, cuddle and read with my kids, intervene when needed in fights (see post on Conflict Resolution for Kids), cook, clean and sometimes manage to snatch a few moments alone with my husband, who travels often for work. People who meet me for the first time and find out that I have so many children often ask, “How do you do it?”, or sometimes just say, “God bless!” and shake their heads in wonder. Some imply that I am crazy, and one total stranger suggested that I get cable TV installed in my bedroom.

How do I do it? Part of the answer lies in teaching my kids to be (relatively) self-sufficient. As soon as it is developmentally appropriate, I start to teach and encourage the kids to do as much for themselves as possible.

It all begins with the diaper. Once kids discover that by pulling the tabs on the disposable diaper, it comes off, they love to do it. (Of course, if they’re still pooping in the diaper, you want to avoid this as much as possible by dressing them in overalls or other cumbersome clothing.) When your little one reaches this stage, you can praise her for doing it all by herself, or thank her for helping you. Then give her a wipe and let her do the next step herself too, after which you can take over.

The next logical step is getting dressed. Be prepared for some pretty hilarious outfit combinations (tights with bathing suits, feather boas with shorts, all kinds of crazy color and pattern combos). Sometimes they will get it wrong, putting clothes on backwards or inside out, putting shoes on the wrong feet or mismatched shoes, but that can all be corrected (or ignored, as you see fit). If you are going somewhere that it important that the child looks nice such as a wedding or a sitting for a photographer, you can limit the amount of choice available (“Would you prefer this outfit or this one?” “Skirt or dress?” “Blue or red?”).

Kids get a sense of accomplishment by doing things themselves, even if it’s not done perfectly, and you as a parent can notice, praise and celebrate their growing independence. As your child grows, entrust him with making progressively more important choices and assuming more responsibility. For example, a middle school child can be responsible for putting completed homework in his backpack, making sure he is on time for school, and cleaning his own room.

The next level of teaching self-sufficiency is giving children responsibility for caring for others. This works really well when you have multiple children, since it is a natural fit for an older child to help with a younger one. In my family, at the point that each child was consistently able to buckle his or her own seatbelt, that child also was given the job of buckling the baby into her car seat. I have had my older kids help with the younger ones by reading to them, putting them to bed, carrying them to bed, getting them a snack, getting them dressed, helping them brush their teeth and even cooking for the entire family (with supervision). This participation in the hard work of running the household and childcare helps lighten the load for the ever-busy mom. Combined with a chore schedule, it might even give you time to relax for 5 minutes or even take a shower.

Conflict Resolution for Kids

The thing I like least about being a mom is when my kids fight. As you can imagine, with five very different personalities each roughly two years apart, getting along can sometimes be a challenge. Sometimes the fighting is relatively benign, like when they are struggling for territory (the territory being sitting on my lap), and other (thankfully, less frequent) times, it can get nasty and violent.

I believe that kids should be given the tools and support to solve problems, and one of those problems is how to get along with their siblings. Here are some of the tools and strategies I teach my kids about how to live in peace with each other.

1. Know who you are dealing with in any given situation. For example, my daughter Mia is very bright and capable, but is easily frustrated and shy. So if her brother and sisters know that about her, they won’t get upset when she doesn’t want to try new things, especially in public. My daughter Miriam is outgoing and social, but is also insecure. Her siblings need to express criticism of her in softer terms so she won’t feel unloved and go into an emotional tailspin.

2. You are together in this family to learn to love one another. Kabbalah teaches that at conception, each soul chooses the family to be born into based on what lessons it still needs to learn. The people closest to you are people you have had conflicts with in past lives, and you are in a family with them now to work out your difficulties. In my family, my two oldest kids are the ones who fight the most. My son, Danny tends to be assertive and insensitive to the needs of others. My oldest daughter, Mia, is shy and overly sensitive. Clearly, each needs to learn from the other.

3. You are responsible for your own behavior. No one can be blamed for “making you” act a certain way. One of my rules is that kids are not allowed to hurt each other for any reason, including if the other person hurt you first. Each thing you do or say is a choice. Focus on making the right choice.

4. It’s just not worth it. Everything that kids fight about is meaningless compared to the love and lifelong bond between them as siblings.

5. Learn to negotiate. Sometimes you can get exactly what you want and keep the other person happy by negotiating. My son is the master negotiator among the children. He will frequently offer his sisters something they value to defuse a conflict. Usually it’s candy, but sometimes he offers something of his like a t-shirt he’s outgrown or a piggyback ride.

As with every lesson we teach our children, these require seemingly endless repetition. However, if you hang in there, keep your cool and continually repeat the lessons, your kids will learn to get along, not only with each other, but with others as well.

How to Get Your Kids to Behave – The Second Secret

In a previous post, I discussed the first secret of getting your children to behave: don’t get emotionally involved. Now, we are going to talk about the second secret of getting your kids to behave.

The second secret is: Teach your children about cause and effect.

It is a law of the universe that there is no effect without a cause. Kabbalah teaches that everything that happens to you, whether positive or negative, is an effect of something you did before. Sometimes it is something you did in a previous life, but even so, what happens to you is a result of something that you caused at some point. There are two aspects of this universal law.

1. You must take responsibility for your actions. You can’t point your finger at anyone else or any external situation or circumstance for your troubles. Ultimately, you need to accept that you are the one who is to blame.
2. Accepting responsibility is incredibly freeing. Once you realize that you are the cause of the things that happen to you, you have the power to act in a way that assures that you will experience good things in the future.

The law of cause and effect applies to everyone, regardless of age. Here are some examples from the adult world:

Cause	Effect
If you have a job but you are lazy and don’t do your work	Then you will get fired
If you break a law	Then you will be arrested
If you badmouth your friend	Then you will lose your friendship
If you cheat on your spouse	Then your marriage will suffer and may end

You need to teach this law of cause and effect to your children. This is good for your children in several ways.

First of all, shows them that there is a direct link between their behavior and either enjoyable or unpleasant outcomes. If they behave in a way that is calm, rational, sharing, nice, responsible, etc. then the consequence is that they get a hug from you, praise, a treat, to stay up later than normal, a toy, etc.. On the other hand, if they act in a way that is mean, selfish, violent, irresponsible, or lazy, then the effect is that they get a time out, lose out on getting something they want, have to do additional chores, have privileges taken away, etc..

Secondly, it teaches them responsibility. Even toddlers can grasp this concept in a rudimentary way. If they did not get what they wanted, it is because of something they did, not because Mom or Dad is “punishing” them. If they want something, they now know that they need to behave in a certain way to earn it. This approach also takes the power struggle out of the picture. Children grow to understand that they don’t experience negative consequences because their parents are in a position of power. They become the makers (on a small scale) of their own destiny.

Lastly, it provides an incentive for kids to think about the possible consequences of their behavior before they do it. This heads off many types of bad behavior before they occur. A good idea, especially for younger children, is to set the consequence before a possibly difficult situation. For example, if I am taking my kids to the grocery store, I might say, “The rule is no running or whining, and you need to stay with me. Children who behave will get a treat in the checkout line.” Setting expectations gives kids a goal to shoot for and clearly outlines what is expected. I also find it useful to make sure that the kids heard and understand the rules by asking them if they understand and then asking them to repeat the rules back to me. That way, there are no excuses of “I didn’t hear you” or “I didn’t know.”

That concludes the second secret of getting your kids to behave. Stay tuned for the third and final secret, coming soon!

How to Get Your Kids to Behave – The First Secret

One of the things people learn about me right away is that I have five children, ages 11, 9, 7, 5 and 3. Yet, I am not certifiably insane, haven’t torn out all my hair and I don’t have chronic laryngitis from screaming all the time. Want to know my secret?

There are actually three secrets. I will talk about the first one in this article; the other secrets will be discussed in detail in subsequent articles.

The first secret is: Don’t get emotionally involved.

Nothing effects a parent’s emotions more than their children. After all, we have the enormous responsibility of providing for their physical needs, making them feel loved, teaching them good values, instructing them in academic matters, showing them strategies for dealing with difficult people and situations, and much more. They are your flesh and blood. So what do I mean by “don’t get emotionally involved”?

According to the ancient wisdom of Kabbalah, everyone around us, especially people close to us, is there to help us overcome our less than perfect qualities and behaviors. They can accomplish this in one of three ways. They can be supportive of our spiritual growth by helping us identify and fix negative behaviors, they can push our buttons by acting the exact opposite way that we act, or they can push our buttons by acting the exact same way we act. If you are lucky, your spouse, parents, and friends fall into the first category; your children never will. Children are always here to push our buttons so that we have an opportunity to see where we act negatively and fix it.

For example, maybe you tend to cut corners. When you do need to do something, you may tend to do it sloppily or maybe forget about it altogether. You may therefore have a child who is also lazy. She might rush through her homework or forget to study for tests. Because you care for your child and don’t want her to get bad grades, you need to teach her to be responsible and thorough, and to take pride in her work. This is the same lesson that you need to learn for yourself.

On the opposite side, you might be a stickler for rules and be very strict. You might have a child who cares nothing for rules and always tends to rebel. This behavior is there to show you that you, too, are acting in an extreme way and both you and your child need to move towards the center, having respect for rules, but not being too rigid.

So, when a child misbehaves, there is always a lesson for the parent and the child. Many times, the lesson is about a combination of caring and control. Your child needs to learn to control his behavior. You need to learn to control your anger or frustration. You need to behave in your child’s best interest because you care for him. Your child needs to feel on a deep level that the reason you are scolding, lecturing or “punishing” (more on that word later) him is because you care for him.

Children intuitively know their parents’ consciousness. So if you are angry and trying not to show it, your child will still tune into the fact that you are angry and will react to it (by being afraid, defiant or dishonest, according to his age and disposition).

Imagine this scenario. You are grocery shopping with your toddler at the end of the day. She has been whining and misbehaving the whole time and now you are in line. She demands that you buy her candy. What do you do?

Step 1 - You need to think about what is best for your daughter. Is it better to give in and avoid a scene or to say no, and risk a screaming fit? Giving in teaches her that whining works and that there is no relation between behavior and consequence. Saying no teaches the opposite, which is a lifelong lesson and is better for her in the long run.

OK, so you say no. Now, she starts screaming and everyone is looking at you. You are embarrassed. You can give in now (see above), or hang tough. You stick to your guns and refuse to buy the candy and the screaming ratchets up another few decibels. Now you have another choice.

Step 2 - You can get angry and start yelling at her or you can remember that she is programmed by the universe to push your buttons. It isn’t personal, so you can’t judge her for acting that way. By acting like this, she is giving you an opportunity to resist being angry. When you then deal with her without anger, she will know it, and will be more receptive to what you say.

Step 3 – You calmly explain to her that you are not going to get her the candy because she made a bad choice by whining and misbehaving in the store. You explain to her that when she makes good choices, then good things happen, but when she makes bad choices, then there is a consequence that she will not like very much. By framing it as a bad choice she made rather than saying she is a bad girl, she understands that although you do not like her behavior, you still like and love her as a person.

Step 4 – Repeat whenever necessary. Your child may not respond by instantly becoming a model child, but with consistent repetition, it will make a major difference in her behavior.

This method works on any age child, only the consequences change (from time outs for younger kids to taking away the car for teenagers) but the earlier you start, the better. Check back for the next article discussing the second secret of getting your kids to behave.