Balancing Act

Just this past week, I have had three reasons that have got me thinking about how much a parent can and should protect her child. As soon as your child is born, your immediate desire is to protect her. You see your job as guarding her from all sorts of perils, from skinned knees and broken hearts to more sinister threats, like kidnapping, car accidents or cancer. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I had trouble sleeping because I had horrible nightmares of all the possible harms that could come to my little one in the coming years. No parent is worry-free. However, is it incumbent on us as parents to shield our children from all hurt, all disappointments?

In the first case, my 5-year old, Leah, said that she didn’t want to go to school because the teacher was mean and yelled at the kids. Her regular teacher was out for a few days, and apparently the woman they brought in to substitute was not prepared to deal with kindergarteners. In my mind, this was an unacceptable situation. Little kids should not have to feel scared to go to school because an adult who is in a position of authority can’t control herself. I called the school to complain (along with a bunch of other parents) and the substitute was substituted. Case closed.

The next situation also involved Leah, who was disappointed because I made a mistake. The elementary school has a Halloween party every year called Monster Mash. My kids have gone pretty much every year since my son was in first grade. You can buy tickets ahead of time through sending money in the kids’ backpack, or in past years, you have been able to buy tickets at the door. For this year, the tickets sold out early. The whole thing slipped my mind (it’s easy for things to fall through the cracks once in a while with five kids) and I didn’t get tickets for my kids. Leah, in particular, was very disappointed that she couldn’t go. On the night before Halloween, when the Monster Mash was taking place, she cried because she couldn’t go, and my husband was very upset about it (possibly more than she was). He told me that he never wants her to feel that way again.

Obviously, in an ideal world when I don’t have a thousand things to think about in any given moment, I would not neglect to get tickets. However, life being what it was, it was a mistake. Regrettable yes, but hardly something that will scar her for life. The next day, I told her I was sorry that she couldn’t go to the party, I took responsibility for not getting the tickets and told her I would make sure she could go next year, and she was just fine.

Did I want to make sure that she never felt this way again? Well, I certainly don’t want to be the cause of her feeling bad if it is something I can easily avoid, like in this case. However, I do think that an occasional situation where things don’t go her way builds character and resilience. Better for her to experience a little bit of hurt in the loving bosom of her family than be completely sheltered and then be exposed to difficulties in the real world without any experience or tools to deal with it.

The last situation was somewhat more serious. I found out that my middle child, Miriam, was being bullied in school. She hadn’t wanted to go to school for about a week and a half, which was unusual behavior for her. When I asked her if anything was going on at school, she told me that a boy who sits at her table in class was always mean to her. She was afraid to go school. When my husband found out about this, his first instinct was to “crush the boy into dust,” and I felt angry too. How dare some little creep bully my princess? Tony wanted to go to school with her and start a rampage of fatherly indignation, which I convinced him was a bad idea.

Instead, I took her to school. When we got to the school and parked, she didn’t want to get out of the car. She said she wanted to go home, but I told her that she had to face the situation. Running away wouldn’t help. I practically had to drag her into the school office. I told the office person the situation and we met with the guidance counselor. My protective instincts were fully engaged, but I held my peace and let the guidance counselor take the lead. Miriam didn’t want to talk about it, but I let the guidance counselor pull the information out of her. In a situation like bullying, the person being bullied needs to stand up for herself. I couldn’t be there all school day keeping an eye on things, so I had to keep myself in check and force her to confront an uncomfortable situation, with adult support from the guidance counselor and teacher. They moved her seat away from the bully and she came home much happier than I had seen her in the past couple of weeks, like her regular self. Some of her happiness, I think, came from her feeling of accomplishment in facing her fear and discomfort and overcoming them.

All in all, it has been a difficult week, but I learned something important. There are times to act like the mother lion and protect your cubs at all costs, and there are times to step back a little and let your children deal with negative situations and emotions. It’s all a delicate balancing act. But it’s well worth it when you see your kids develop the skills and the confidence to deal with challenges without falling apart.