The Chore of Chores

Chores are a constant point of friction in my house. It should be relatively simple. Each kid has chores he or she knows about since they are the same every day, and they are expected to do them when they get home from school, after homework and before anything else. But it never seems to work out quite as planned.

My kids are pretty good about doing their homework right away (that took some work several years ago, but is now ingrained as a habit). But shortly thereafter, they will try to sneak off into the library (an extra room made out of our former garage) to watch TV. Every day I open the door and remind them that there is no TV until their homework is done and checked and their chores are done and checked. Reluctantly, and as slowly as humanly possible, they drag themselves up, tear their eyes away from the television and disperse to do their chores.

My four older ones have chores, and the older they are, the more challenging their chores. Danny, my eldest, has to clean his room, clean the kitchen and take out the garbage and recycling including bringing it to the curb. Mia, next in line, has to clean the room she shares with Miriam and put away all the laundry (a huge job in our house). Miriam has to keep the bathroom clean, set the table, feed the dog and help with preparing dinner. Leah has to clean the room she shares with Rebecca and tidy the library. On Friday afternoons after school, everyone helps clean and cook to get ready for Shabbat.

Danny’s method of dealing with chores is to try to find someone to help him. Many times, when he has brought a friend over right after school, he has been able to get his friend to help him do his chores. It is a testament to his charisma and leadership abilities that he is able to get these kids, many of whom have little or no chores to do at home, to bring in garbage cans, unload my dishwasher and clean his room.

Problems arise, however, when no friend is available. Then his attention naturally turns to his sisters, with whom he is considerably less charming. His tactics range from bribery (usually with candy) to strong-arming, to outright hiring them for cash. These usually end badly, and he will normally end up having to do it himself, in the quickest and least thorough way possible. Because of his propensity to sub-contract his chores, I have had to put rules in place to prevent conflicts. Just like a general contractor, he needs to check to make sure the job is done right, or he is held responsible.

I am constantly after him to do a better and more complete job. I have even been known to wake him up and make him go back and do a better job cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Even after multiple times, the job is rarely perfect, but it is at least acceptable. I am hoping that with repetition, eventually he will see that it is easier to do it right the first time.

My firm belief is that my daughter Mia was a princess in a former life. Since she was a baby, she has shown the same unconcern about picking up after herself as someone who is certain she is being followed discretely by an army of servants. She also has exhibited the same disbelief and shock when confronted with the idea of doing chores as someone well accustomed to be treated royally. Until fairly recently, when told that she needs to clean her room or put away the laundry, the stress of impending chores would cause her to burst into tears. When forced to put the clothes away, she would take piles of clean clothes that needed to be hung in the closet and stash them in cabinets and on the floor in the back corner of the closet so she wouldn’t have to hang them.

Surprisingly, however, she has recently made a change. She no longer cries when told to do her chores. She still begs me not to do laundry and seems relatively unconcerned about the consequences of ignoring the growing piles of dirty clothes (wear dirty, smelly clothes or go naked). But now, when I tell her to do her chores, she actually does them. She gets distracted and it takes her a long time to do it, but eventually it gets done, more or less. Her room doesn’t ever get completely clean, but at least it is no longer an ideal habitat for various creatures. Baby steps.

Miriam is the best at chores, since she is naturally a hard worker. Although she has a lot of chores, many of them do not require much work, like feeding the dog. Because she is the least lazy and resentful when it comes to chores, I often ask her to do extra things to help me. I feel faintly guilty when I do this because it doesn’t seem fair to “punish” the best one with more work, but I have to be practical, and things need to get done, one way or the other.

Leah will happily do her chores as long as I sit there with her and tell her exactly what to do. She and Rebecca love to clean, especially if it involves spraying something. On Fridays, I let them dust the furniture. I start out with a full can of Pledge and when they’re done, there is hardly any left, but the furniture is extra shiny, so I let it go.

Most days, I feel that it would be a lot less work to just do the chores myself. But I truly believe that chores are a good way to teach responsibility and the value of contributing to the family’s success, so I continue to nag, check, cajole and yell when necessary for my kids’ sake. That is the chore I like the least…