Are You a Helicopter Parent?

I live in Boca Raton, Florida, where the lawns are manicured and the sunlight glimmers off all the recently manicured fingernails. Our city is a caricature of the easy life. Most people here live comfortably, and many live is posh luxury. Parents are educated and sophisticated. Many mothers, and some fathers do not have to work. My children’s elementary school PTA has 100% membership. One year, I forgot to sign up for the PTA during the open house, and I was hunted down and harassed like the mafia hounds someone who welches on a gambling debt.

Last year, my daughter Mia became friendly with a girl in her class. She played with her at recess, but wanted to see her after school too. I talked to her mother to set up a playdate, but the other girl’s mom was unable to schedule a time for the girls to get together because her daughter didn’t have any unscheduled time. She had so many extracurricular activities, that she had no time left over to play with friends.

Another time, Mia went over to a different friend’s house to play. From the moment she got there, the mother had everything planned. She sat with the girls and did a series of crafts with them, interrupted only by a carefully prepared lunch. The girls were with the mother the whole time, as they were directed from one activity to another.

In some article I read somewhere, I heard this sort of parental behavior referred to as “helicopter parenting” because the parent (usually the mom, but sometime joined by the dad) is always hovering nearby, ready to jump in to resolve a problem, plan a source of entertainment, or whisk the child to yet another lesson or activity.

Maybe it is because I have five kids, or because I work from home and am constantly interrupted by my kids once they get home from school, but I don’t subscribe to the helicopter mentality. I am constantly saying things to my kids like, “I’m not your social director. Go find something to do,” or “You’re a kid. Go play. That’s what kids do,” or my all time favorite, “If you’re bored, I can find plenty of chores you can do.” That last one always results in their hightailing it out of range of my voice and usually ends up with their having lots of fun and leaving me in peace for a while.

“I’m bored” is one of the things that my kids say that drive me absolutely crazy (along with anything said in a whiny voice). I think this desire to be constantly amused stems from our technology-driven youth culture, where kids have mindless TV programming broadcast 24/7 and expect instant replies to their questions, comments and concerns via email, text and Twitter. But regardless of the cause, it is something that we have to deal with as parents.

How are children ever to learn to problem solve and use their imaginations if their parents do everything for them? Kids need to be responsible for amusing themselves because, let’s face it – they don’t have that much choice in most other areas. (I am talking here about younger kids, preteen and below, not teenagers who have much more of a choice about amusements and often choose poorly.)

Another area that is a good one for kids to start taking responsibility in is problem solving and conflict resolution. This is a little trickier and I think deserves its own post, so look for that one coming up soon.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not advocating a free-for-all or parental neglect as a strategy. Of course, children need care, routine and structure to help them order their lives and create healthy boundaries to their behavior. But let’s be aware of when we’ve crossed the line between structured and smothered.