Conflict Resolution for Kids

The thing I like least about being a mom is when my kids fight. As you can imagine, with five very different personalities each roughly two years apart, getting along can sometimes be a challenge. Sometimes the fighting is relatively benign, like when they are struggling for territory (the territory being sitting on my lap), and other (thankfully, less frequent) times, it can get nasty and violent.

I believe that kids should be given the tools and support to solve problems, and one of those problems is how to get along with their siblings. Here are some of the tools and strategies I teach my kids about how to live in peace with each other.

1. Know who you are dealing with in any given situation. For example, my daughter Mia is very bright and capable, but is easily frustrated and shy. So if her brother and sisters know that about her, they won’t get upset when she doesn’t want to try new things, especially in public. My daughter Miriam is outgoing and social, but is also insecure. Her siblings need to express criticism of her in softer terms so she won’t feel unloved and go into an emotional tailspin.

2. You are together in this family to learn to love one another. Kabbalah teaches that at conception, each soul chooses the family to be born into based on what lessons it still needs to learn. The people closest to you are people you have had conflicts with in past lives, and you are in a family with them now to work out your difficulties. In my family, my two oldest kids are the ones who fight the most. My son, Danny tends to be assertive and insensitive to the needs of others. My oldest daughter, Mia, is shy and overly sensitive. Clearly, each needs to learn from the other.

3. You are responsible for your own behavior. No one can be blamed for “making you” act a certain way. One of my rules is that kids are not allowed to hurt each other for any reason, including if the other person hurt you first. Each thing you do or say is a choice. Focus on making the right choice.

4. It’s just not worth it. Everything that kids fight about is meaningless compared to the love and lifelong bond between them as siblings.

5. Learn to negotiate. Sometimes you can get exactly what you want and keep the other person happy by negotiating. My son is the master negotiator among the children. He will frequently offer his sisters something they value to defuse a conflict. Usually it’s candy, but sometimes he offers something of his like a t-shirt he’s outgrown or a piggyback ride.

As with every lesson we teach our children, these require seemingly endless repetition. However, if you hang in there, keep your cool and continually repeat the lessons, your kids will learn to get along, not only with each other, but with others as well.