The second secret is: Teach your children about cause and effect.
It is a law of the universe that there is no effect without a cause. Kabbalah teaches that everything that happens to you, whether positive or negative, is an effect of something you did before. Sometimes it is something you did in a previous life, but even so, what happens to you is a result of something that you caused at some point. There are two aspects of this universal law.
1. You must take responsibility for your actions. You can’t point your finger at anyone else or any external situation or circumstance for your troubles. Ultimately, you need to accept that you are the one who is to blame.
2. Accepting responsibility is incredibly freeing. Once you realize that you are the cause of the things that happen to you, you have the power to act in a way that assures that you will experience good things in the future.
The law of cause and effect applies to everyone, regardless of age. Here are some examples from the adult world:
| Cause | Effect |
| If you have a job but you are lazy and don’t do your work | Then you will get fired |
| If you break a law | Then you will be arrested |
| If you badmouth your friend | Then you will lose your friendship |
| If you cheat on your spouse | Then your marriage will suffer and may end |
You need to teach this law of cause and effect to your children. This is good for your children in several ways.
First of all, shows them that there is a direct link between their behavior and either enjoyable or unpleasant outcomes. If they behave in a way that is calm, rational, sharing, nice, responsible, etc. then the consequence is that they get a hug from you, praise, a treat, to stay up later than normal, a toy, etc.. On the other hand, if they act in a way that is mean, selfish, violent, irresponsible, or lazy, then the effect is that they get a time out, lose out on getting something they want, have to do additional chores, have privileges taken away, etc..
Secondly, it teaches them responsibility. Even toddlers can grasp this concept in a rudimentary way. If they did not get what they wanted, it is because of something they did, not because Mom or Dad is “punishing” them. If they want something, they now know that they need to behave in a certain way to earn it. This approach also takes the power struggle out of the picture. Children grow to understand that they don’t experience negative consequences because their parents are in a position of power. They become the makers (on a small scale) of their own destiny.
Lastly, it provides an incentive for kids to think about the possible consequences of their behavior before they do it. This heads off many types of bad behavior before they occur. A good idea, especially for younger children, is to set the consequence before a possibly difficult situation. For example, if I am taking my kids to the grocery store, I might say, “The rule is no running or whining, and you need to stay with me. Children who behave will get a treat in the checkout line.” Setting expectations gives kids a goal to shoot for and clearly outlines what is expected. I also find it useful to make sure that the kids heard and understand the rules by asking them if they understand and then asking them to repeat the rules back to me. That way, there are no excuses of “I didn’t hear you” or “I didn’t know.”
That concludes the second secret of getting your kids to behave. Stay tuned for the third and final secret, coming soon!
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